Top 10 reasons why I’d rather die than be a Chinese girl:

Let me start by saying that I truely love all my Chinese friends DEARLY (but I would still rather die than be them)


1) When Chinese girls are on their periods, (and for a few days after), they can’t wash their hair. Yeah. “If you EVER wash your hair during that WEEK, you will get migraine headaches (or cancer) after you turn 50 years old.” One of the girls at work told us this – we checked with all the other girls and some students and it’s TRUE. They’re so on crack. So, WHY DO THEY BELIEVE THIS?!?! Apparently, “EVERY doctor will tell you that it’s true.”

2) Chinese girls are all “waiting for marriage.”

I work with six girls that are not married. They’re all between the ages of 21 and 35 and yeah, they’re all virgins. And they’re not like America’s dirty, slutty “virgins.” Only two of them have ever even kissed a boy.

Boys on the other hand, are expected to do it before marriage. The girls at my school tell me that boys go to see prostitutes all the time before they’re married (and during, but I’ll get to that later) and it’s “not that bad.”

3) If you don’t get pregnant by the time you’re 30 years old, you’re going to get cancer.

I told you; Chinese doctors are on crack.

4) In my opinion, Chinese girls are generally really, really pretty. They’re all super skinny (Ivy: “only BAD girls weigh more than 50K (110 lbs)”) and have really lovely dark eyes and perfect skin. And, they’re SUPER SWEET. They’re all like perfect catholic school girls, but better…….Which is why IT’S NOT FAIR THAT THEY HAVE TO MARRY SUCH NASTY GUYS!! I’m sorry, but I think I’d rather die than marry a Chinese boy. Why:

Chinese men think it’s cool and lucky to grow really, really long fingernails. Have you seen the last X-Men movie with Sabertooth? …that’s what guys’ nails look like. Yellow/brown, crusty, gross

Moles: they’re cool. Hairy moles: even cooler. Men are super proud of their moles and always have three inch long hairs coming out of them. And then they play with their mole-hair with their nasty fingernails.

They ALL smoke. Ok, technically only 75-85% but it seems like 99%. And they smoke indoors, especially in homes. In China, smoking is good for your health (doctors on crack) and second hand smoke, although “unpleasant” does not hurt anyone. So, that means that men smoke while in bed and in rooms without ventilation while holding their baby.

Due to the smoking, they all have gross yellow teeth. Their teeth are going to be gross anyway (braces, although affordable, are not important and most people don’t brush their teeth) but the smoking makes them soooo much grosser.

They cheat. They all cheat on their wives – I’ll explain why it’s “OK” later.

Chinese men expect oral sex but they don’t “return the favor.” The one married girl at our school told us that her husband has never gone down on her because he says that her “Virginia (yeah, like the state) smells bad.” We told her to buy soap for the first time in her life.

I’m sorry, but they’re ugly. They’re all 5’2” and are gangly-skinny but also somehow flabby at the same time. But now I’m just being mean! HAHAHAAA!!!

5) The biggest reason why I’d rather die than be a Chinese girl: THEY DON’T WEAR TAMPONS. Pads. Only pads. I can’t even tell you how gross Nelly and I think this is.

…what we’re imagining… it’s 95 degrees/90% humidity (because that’s normal in our city) and you’re super sweaty. You have a bush the size of a dinner plate (GIRLS IN CHINA DON’T SHAVE) and you’re on your period. Extreme heat plus hairiest vaginas on the planet plus blood


6) When a Chinese girl finds out that she’s pregnant, she and her husband need to stop having “man-love” (man love is what they call sex) for ONE YEAR. If they have sex even once during the pregnancy, the baby will be in danger.

Nelly spent an hour showing the girls information online showing that it’s safe to have sex THE ENTIRE nine months but the girls don’t believe it. They tell us that we can “ask any doctor in the country.” Crack.

7) So, since a pregnant woman can’t have sex for a full year, it’s totally ok for men to see prostitutes for that year. I’m not kidding. The girls think its ok.

8) Only “bad girls” drink alcohol, which means that girls never, ever drink. Tragic

9) Chinese girls don’t shave anything. A FEW shave their legs but NONE OF THEM shave their armpits or their v’s. We obviously knew about the hairy legs/arm pits because we see them EVERYDAY but once Nelly and I once walked into a gym locker room after an aerobics class ended and – well, ….we’ll never look at a Chinese girl the same EVER AGAIN. We didn’t know a bush could be so big…. they’re like afros…. And their nipples – oh my god. Did you know that Chinese girls’ nipples are an inch long?!?! They could poke an eye out. I had NO IDEA. Anyways, we ran out, hugged and cried and cried and cried


10) Chinese girls don’t usually drive cars (but this is actually a good thing because we all know the stereotype) . All of the girls that we work with have never driven a car and are sure that they never will. Their dads and future husbands will drive them anywhere they need to go. Dependency is fun.