Josh is the biggest Jerk I've ever met

God I hope Josh's parents read this!!!!!

Fucked up shit that Josh has done to us:

-RESSES - oh my god. Josh's parents sent josh a huge box of mini resses peanut butter cups (among other glorious snacks) because we've all been craving them LIKE CRAZY. Josh gave me four resses. Four. In Josh's words: "four too many." And two of those I had to earn by finding his lost phone (which took forever and involved me going all the way down to the parking lot in the 90 degree heat when I had just taken a shower). Nelly got the same amount and we found out that he used to eat them while she was in the shower so that he didn't have to share with her. To this day I still have to watch him shove Cliff bars in his stupid face while all I have to look forward to is rice and more rice.

-Josh LOVES to watch movies more than anyone in the world. He watches at least one everyday on his computer. Rather than having the volume up so that BOTH Nelly and him can watch the movie, he plugs his head phones in so that she can't hear anything. She just has to sit there and watch the movie in silence. She complains about this to Brandon and me all the time (in front of Josh) and he still keeps doing it. He even thinks it's funny.

-JOSH RUINED NELLY'S BIRTHDAY!! ....unforgivable

-Until Nelly gets paid she's been having to borrow money from Josh.... and he is SO CHEAP!! When we go out to dinner she always has to ask him what she's allowed to order. If what she wants is five baht (14 cents) more expensive than something else he deems acceptable on the menu, he won't let her get it. But for him, the sky's the limit. He once spent 1,000 baht on one meal ($35.)!!!

-Josh talks us out of doing shit all the time. Beach trips, snorkeling, hanging out with other farangs. In fact, our TEFL class gave Josh the award for "Mr. Social" because he always refuses to do ANYTHING with the group. Nelly and I blame Josh all the time for our lack of friends on the island.

-Nelly spends a total of 6 hours every week WAITING for rides from Josh/Brandon when it's convenient for them. Josh always makes her wait for 1, 2, 3 hours for a ride home from Brandon rather than driving ten minutes and picking her up himself. He says that he can't justify wasting the gas but on more thatn one occasion when Josh has a break from class (even just for 40 minutes) he drives home to hang out. He's SO SELFISH!!!!


Fucked up shit that Josh has said to me:

-"What the fuck is that on your face?!" Oh my god.... that's a zit?? It's HUGE!"

-"Are you sure you should be eating ice cream?"

-"I better sit on that side of the car to even out the weight distribution"

-Mariel: "Brandon is turning into Josh; he's such a liar" Josh: "What? Did he tell Mariel that she's pretty?"

-He makes fun of the man of my dreams: Obama

-He calls me a kike about 20 times every day

-He says "faggot," "nigger" and "gook" all the time just because he knows it really bothers me (and because he's as racist as a nascar-watching, walmart-shopping redneck from Mississippi).

-I was complaining how Josh hangs out in our room wearing only undies for for at least four hours everyday.... Mariel: "If you don't start wearing clothes, I'm going to hang out in your room in just undies too" Josh: "Oh my god - GROSS!!!"

Josh says something mean to Nelly.... Mariel: "You are SO MEAN TO HER. If I was your girlfriend I would leave you so fast!" Josh: "You? MY girlfriend?? hahahahahaaaa.... gross."

-Brandon pulled down my pants so that I mooned Josh. Josh: "I just saw your butt....GROSS!!!!!"

Fucked up shit that Josh has said to Nelly:

-"The computer is my new toy. You are my old toy."

-"I'm going to sell you so that you have to make money licking butt holes for the rest of your life"


JOSH'S LIES:
-Nelly, Josh and I are are sharing one car which means we obviously carpool to work. For our first three weeks of work Josh told us that his classes started at 8am on Mondays which means that even though Nelly and my first classes aren't until 8:45, we still have to leave at 7:30am with Josh. AFTER THREE WEEKS of waking up super early, we found out that Josh's Monday classes don't start until 9:30am. He was completely lying to us and making us wake up extra early on Mondays because he's a total jerk!!! His explanation (once he got caught) - he needs to do lesson planning on Monday mornings. This makes us even more mad at him because the rest of us do our lesson planning on Sundays at ECC's computer lab. While we're doing lesson planning he hangs out on facebook and myspace and never does prep work. To this day he still defends his lie and doesn't think he did anything wrong.

-Josh used my tooth brush for OVER A WEEK and then lied about it. He kept saying that it wasn't his fault because the dentist's name that's one my tooth brush is HIS dentist. RIGHT.... Josh (who's from Gresham, OR) goes to my dentist in Vancouver, WA?? Sure. In fact, he still lies about it to this very day.

-The day after Josh bought his new computer we were planning on going to the Beach for the day. He went on and on about how he was really sick and couldn't go. We decided to skip the beach and stay home with him. It turned out that Josh wasn't sick AT ALL. He just wanted to play with his new computer. He fully admitted that he was lying and he doesn't feel bad about making us all stay home on a Saturday.

-To make me feel bad about how TERRIBLE my teaching job is compared to his, Josh told me that he has all brand new, shiny, clean white boards. We found out a few days later that he has CHALK BOARDS.


THE WORST PART is that when I read this list to Josh he laughed his head off and spent the next half hour racking his brain trying to think of other shit that he has done to us. He kept saying: "I know there's been so much more good stuff. OOooo, OOo, make sure you write about the time I was unrelentlessly mean to you for 48 hours and almost made you cry. And make sure you write about the time I slapped you when you were drunk!" I originally wrote this thinking that he'd feel bad when he heard all this. What the hell is wrong with him?!?! He's so proud of this stuff!!! Last month, Nelly, Brandon and I tried to have an intervention with him about all the lying and selfishness, he just laughed and laughed.

To Ashley and Jessica (whom I tried to hook up with Josh before Nelly was around) - I'M SO SORRY!!! I didn't know he was like this before I lived with him. And Nelly, oh my god, I'm so, so, so sorry!

The Ping Pong Show

I think we all knew this was bound to happen.

First off, I have to point out that this was NOT our idea. We got talked into it by our TEFL friends that said that it was an essential Thailand experience that we absolutely can't pass up (thanks guys). so, we went to Patong.

As you walk around the streets of this tourist-filled beach you'll be constantly approached by Thai's holding laminated cards adverting their employer's fine ping pong establishments. They always approach Brandon and Josh: "you like pooosy?! pooosy show!" Usually the boys say that their gay and hate pussy (which Nelly and I quickly and truthfully attest to) - but not tonight. They went to work negotiating the price because as I've mentioned before, you can negotiate the price of anything here in Thailand. Apparently Ping pong shows are "free" but you're required to buy grossly marked up drinks. For example, a singha beer is usually around 50 baht/bottle ($1.52) at bars but at a ping pong show: 500 baht ($14.28). Brandon and Josh got the price down to 75 baht ($2.14), so we went in.

On the inside, the place looked exactly as you'd expect. Blacked out windows, mirrors everywhere, super dark except for the red lights focused on a raised stage in the center. As we walked in the stage had six half naked thai girls swinging around the four stripper poles and dancing to loud, american pop music. The girls kept begging Nelly and me to come dance with them. I hope they weren't too offended when we hid behind Josh and Brandon like shy three-year olds. Jesus Christ - I wonder if girls from the audience ever do go up there?!?! Oddly, even though all the ping-pong girls were really thin, they all somehow had really flabby looking stomachs and butts. But that was just the beginning of the grossness.

For the next twenty minutes we hid behind each other and said "oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no" about a million times. I probably had an anxiety attack, Nelly and Josh cried and Brandon swore off vaginas for the rest of his life. Here's a list of the "acts" we suffered through:



-The first girl yanked at least ten meters of a silk flower chain out of her v. She kept trying to get josh to pull it out for her. She gave up when he looked like he was going to scream
-Eels. We watched two 10 inch eels fall out of a vagina into a fish bowl.
-Catfish. Oh my god.
-The girl that I named the Air Specialist blew out four candles WITH HER VAGINA then proceeded to shoot darts with her talented v at balloons (which were taped way at the top of the stripper poles). Unbelievable. And it gets worse. She stuck two lit cigarettes up there and smoked them - puff, puff, puke
-Ping Pongs - lots of them.

All things considered, we were holding it together relatively well at this point. None of us had passed out or puked and we even found the strength to clap after each "performance" - but then.... the frog. No, not a frog, a toad. We saw a Thai girl give birth to an enormous, bumpy, live toad. It was the size of my f'ing hand and as soon as it was "released" it hopped across the stage. That was it - I really wanted to leave. But for some reason, we stayed and it only got worse..... a parakeet. I will never look at cute, little, yellow and green parakeet the same ever again. As soon as the little thing was plopped out, a different girl put it on her finger, KISSED IT and set it down right in front of us. It ruffled it's tiny, moist feathers, flapped its wings, and that was it - WE RAN OUT OF THERE!! You'd think that the bird would have been the grand finale but no, apparently we missed out on the "razor-blade act," the "banana act" tons more. THANK GOD.

And you thought pronouncing Mariel was bad?!?!

Here's the FIRST names of the kids in one of my classes:

Yotsanun
Sirichai
Panupong
Chayut
Titinun
Nattapol
Thapanut
Satanatorn
Chontrakarn
Bongkoch
Korngun
Bongkotmas
Worrakarn
Jirawadee
Haruthai
Jatuporn
.....ok, you get the picture. You should see their last names!!!

Even Thai people think their names are too tricky so they all have a "choolane" or nickname. They almost always have an "English" nickname. At least they think it's English. Here's a few of my favorites:

Save
Man
Shop
Donut
Blaze (I'd want this to be my choolane)
Pork
Gun (there's loads of "Guns")
Bang
Warm
Mild
Pookie
Bank
M
Oh
KittyPorn (there's TONS of kids with "Porn" in their name)
Ball
Nice
Next
Tiger (I have three Tigers)
Ford (that sucks)
Milk
Too
Mint
Book

A few photos

Such a small world!! Andrea and I were in the same house at WSU and somehow we both ended up in Phuket at them same time!!


Brandon and me


Nelly


Some of the students from the TEFL International class organized an "Academy Awards" party after we all graduated. I am very honored to announce that I won the award for "The Most Panic Attacks" - YES!!! ;)


Oh yeah!!


Brandon wanted me to take this picture as proof that he's the world's best boyfriend.... we're at a Vegetarian Restaurant. I was sooooooo excited to go to this place but it actually kinda sucked. Their version of Tofu is waaaaaaaaaaay different than anything I've ever soon. Too bad!!!

I'm never having kids

Don't tell Brandon.... I have a crush on another man

He's 5'4", Thai, about fifty years old and I love him. Why? Because he beats my kids.

Sam (that's what I call him because I can't pronounce his name) came into my classroom three times each class period today and whacked all my bad students on the back of the head. It was awesome. Now I know exactly what you're all thinking. You're thinking that there is no possible reason in the world that a nine year old would deserve to be struck. Well I'm hear to tell you that I felt exactly the same until I met THESE nine year olds. Here's some of the things my kids did just today and yesterday and I promise I'm not exaggerating:

-took a beaker off the shelf (I'm in a science lab) and threw it on the ground (on purpose) so that it shattered into a million pieces. This is extra bad because the kids all leave their shoes outside of the classroom
-I handed out a wordsearch worksheet and one group of boys just circled a bunch of random groups of letters then went back to playing. When I noticed this, I took away their wordsearches and gave them new ones and repeated the instructions. They wadded up their papers and threw them on the ground. I tried to make them clean them up but they wouldn't do it so I grabbed the ring leader and tried to make him sit in the corner. He just kept marching back to his seat. I tried to talk to him but it didn't work. WTF?
-someone drew two penises on their desk. Great.
-stole one of my two markers and put it in a cup of water without the cap (they thought it was SOOOOO funny)
-a group of five boys kept playing "muay thai" (kickboxing) while I was trying to do my board work. They WOULDN'T sit down. I grabbed one by the wrist and pulled him into the hallway and told him to stay. As I was positioning another one of the boys in a corner, the hallway boy ran back and started wresting with another kid. I put the one back in the hallway and as soon as I came back the boy that was supposed to be in the corner was fighting with another kid. This "game" went on for so long. It was a "you've got to me f'ing kidding me" class. They literally have no respect for me. I even was really rough with the worst boy and I pushed his head down so that he had to put his head down on the table but the very second that I turned around he jumped up and launched himself fist-first on to another kid.
-one boy ran up to my chalk board and just started erasing stuff that the kids were supposed to be copying into their notebooks
-another boy took one of my makers and drew a huge line on another boy's uniform.
-screaming, screaming, screaming. They never sit still and be quiet!!

The list goes on and on. I asked the other white teachers at my school - WHY ARE MY KIDS DOING THIS??? And they all said that it's because they don't respect me because I haven't hit them. They said that the kids are testing me and now that they're confident that I'm not going to hit them they're going to treat my classroom like it's their recess time. They said that classroom management skills don't matter here; I just need to hit the kids. And I want to but I'm not going to. That's why I love Sam...... he beats my kids for me and even though the kids are back to being evil as soon as he leaves, at least I know they're in a little bit of pain. HHAAAAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Ok, so they're not all bad.

When there's kids as bad as mine it's hard to focus on the good ones but they are definitely worth mentioning.

"Teacher beautiful." I hear that a hundred times a day!! The little girls (and the future lady boys) in my class tell me that I'm beautiful constantly. It's awesome. I just have to ignore the fact that when it comes to a Thai person's perception of beauty, paleness is by far the most important factor. Apparently I need to go tanning.

Almost all the girls in my classes really are little angels. They finish their worksheets 10x faster than the boys and they always raise their hands rather than screaming out the answers. They're so good!! That's why it's extra bad that the rotten kids in my class are so disruptive. These little girls really do want to learn but they're not being given a good chance because of the bad kids.