I'm never having kids

Don't tell Brandon.... I have a crush on another man

He's 5'4", Thai, about fifty years old and I love him. Why? Because he beats my kids.

Sam (that's what I call him because I can't pronounce his name) came into my classroom three times each class period today and whacked all my bad students on the back of the head. It was awesome. Now I know exactly what you're all thinking. You're thinking that there is no possible reason in the world that a nine year old would deserve to be struck. Well I'm hear to tell you that I felt exactly the same until I met THESE nine year olds. Here's some of the things my kids did just today and yesterday and I promise I'm not exaggerating:

-took a beaker off the shelf (I'm in a science lab) and threw it on the ground (on purpose) so that it shattered into a million pieces. This is extra bad because the kids all leave their shoes outside of the classroom
-I handed out a wordsearch worksheet and one group of boys just circled a bunch of random groups of letters then went back to playing. When I noticed this, I took away their wordsearches and gave them new ones and repeated the instructions. They wadded up their papers and threw them on the ground. I tried to make them clean them up but they wouldn't do it so I grabbed the ring leader and tried to make him sit in the corner. He just kept marching back to his seat. I tried to talk to him but it didn't work. WTF?
-someone drew two penises on their desk. Great.
-stole one of my two markers and put it in a cup of water without the cap (they thought it was SOOOOO funny)
-a group of five boys kept playing "muay thai" (kickboxing) while I was trying to do my board work. They WOULDN'T sit down. I grabbed one by the wrist and pulled him into the hallway and told him to stay. As I was positioning another one of the boys in a corner, the hallway boy ran back and started wresting with another kid. I put the one back in the hallway and as soon as I came back the boy that was supposed to be in the corner was fighting with another kid. This "game" went on for so long. It was a "you've got to me f'ing kidding me" class. They literally have no respect for me. I even was really rough with the worst boy and I pushed his head down so that he had to put his head down on the table but the very second that I turned around he jumped up and launched himself fist-first on to another kid.
-one boy ran up to my chalk board and just started erasing stuff that the kids were supposed to be copying into their notebooks
-another boy took one of my makers and drew a huge line on another boy's uniform.
-screaming, screaming, screaming. They never sit still and be quiet!!

The list goes on and on. I asked the other white teachers at my school - WHY ARE MY KIDS DOING THIS??? And they all said that it's because they don't respect me because I haven't hit them. They said that the kids are testing me and now that they're confident that I'm not going to hit them they're going to treat my classroom like it's their recess time. They said that classroom management skills don't matter here; I just need to hit the kids. And I want to but I'm not going to. That's why I love Sam...... he beats my kids for me and even though the kids are back to being evil as soon as he leaves, at least I know they're in a little bit of pain. HHAAAAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Ok, so they're not all bad.

When there's kids as bad as mine it's hard to focus on the good ones but they are definitely worth mentioning.

"Teacher beautiful." I hear that a hundred times a day!! The little girls (and the future lady boys) in my class tell me that I'm beautiful constantly. It's awesome. I just have to ignore the fact that when it comes to a Thai person's perception of beauty, paleness is by far the most important factor. Apparently I need to go tanning.

Almost all the girls in my classes really are little angels. They finish their worksheets 10x faster than the boys and they always raise their hands rather than screaming out the answers. They're so good!! That's why it's extra bad that the rotten kids in my class are so disruptive. These little girls really do want to learn but they're not being given a good chance because of the bad kids.