The Ping Pong Show

I think we all knew this was bound to happen.

First off, I have to point out that this was NOT our idea. We got talked into it by our TEFL friends that said that it was an essential Thailand experience that we absolutely can't pass up (thanks guys). so, we went to Patong.

As you walk around the streets of this tourist-filled beach you'll be constantly approached by Thai's holding laminated cards adverting their employer's fine ping pong establishments. They always approach Brandon and Josh: "you like pooosy?! pooosy show!" Usually the boys say that their gay and hate pussy (which Nelly and I quickly and truthfully attest to) - but not tonight. They went to work negotiating the price because as I've mentioned before, you can negotiate the price of anything here in Thailand. Apparently Ping pong shows are "free" but you're required to buy grossly marked up drinks. For example, a singha beer is usually around 50 baht/bottle ($1.52) at bars but at a ping pong show: 500 baht ($14.28). Brandon and Josh got the price down to 75 baht ($2.14), so we went in.

On the inside, the place looked exactly as you'd expect. Blacked out windows, mirrors everywhere, super dark except for the red lights focused on a raised stage in the center. As we walked in the stage had six half naked thai girls swinging around the four stripper poles and dancing to loud, american pop music. The girls kept begging Nelly and me to come dance with them. I hope they weren't too offended when we hid behind Josh and Brandon like shy three-year olds. Jesus Christ - I wonder if girls from the audience ever do go up there?!?! Oddly, even though all the ping-pong girls were really thin, they all somehow had really flabby looking stomachs and butts. But that was just the beginning of the grossness.

For the next twenty minutes we hid behind each other and said "oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no" about a million times. I probably had an anxiety attack, Nelly and Josh cried and Brandon swore off vaginas for the rest of his life. Here's a list of the "acts" we suffered through:



-The first girl yanked at least ten meters of a silk flower chain out of her v. She kept trying to get josh to pull it out for her. She gave up when he looked like he was going to scream
-Eels. We watched two 10 inch eels fall out of a vagina into a fish bowl.
-Catfish. Oh my god.
-The girl that I named the Air Specialist blew out four candles WITH HER VAGINA then proceeded to shoot darts with her talented v at balloons (which were taped way at the top of the stripper poles). Unbelievable. And it gets worse. She stuck two lit cigarettes up there and smoked them - puff, puff, puke
-Ping Pongs - lots of them.

All things considered, we were holding it together relatively well at this point. None of us had passed out or puked and we even found the strength to clap after each "performance" - but then.... the frog. No, not a frog, a toad. We saw a Thai girl give birth to an enormous, bumpy, live toad. It was the size of my f'ing hand and as soon as it was "released" it hopped across the stage. That was it - I really wanted to leave. But for some reason, we stayed and it only got worse..... a parakeet. I will never look at cute, little, yellow and green parakeet the same ever again. As soon as the little thing was plopped out, a different girl put it on her finger, KISSED IT and set it down right in front of us. It ruffled it's tiny, moist feathers, flapped its wings, and that was it - WE RAN OUT OF THERE!! You'd think that the bird would have been the grand finale but no, apparently we missed out on the "razor-blade act," the "banana act" tons more. THANK GOD.