AMURICAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Dear America, I need to apologize. I had no idea how f’ing awesome you were.
In less than a week after moving to China, I had a total epiphany – America is the best country everrrrrrr!!
See, I didn’t know it before. When I thought of America, I thought of Bill O’Riley, Ann Coulter, Lynndie England, Cheney and Palin. I thought of fundamentalist evangelical Christians, Proposition 8, capital punishment, anti-stem cell research protesters, uneducated morons teaching Intelligent Design and abstinence-only, gun violence and pedophile catholic priests. I pretty much hated America. In fact, the original title of this blog was “Escape from the US.”
So all those people and things I just listed, they’re awful. But I learned that it can be worse, like waaaay worse. China. I can’t even explain to you how fucked this country is. I mean, come on, they block facebook!
Living in China was worse than what I imagine American prison to be. Our prisons at least have soft beds, great gyms, decent food, muscley men and English-speaking TV stations. God, China, fuck you! You ruined my life for ten f’ing months and I don’t even have a pile of cash to show for all that suffering – I think I was getting paid in rice.
I CAN’T WAIT TO BE BACK IN AMERICA!! I’m even going to totally LOVE stuff that I used to hate! For example, I’m SUPER EXCITED to see hundreds of HUGE, overly jacked-up, gas-guzzling, mud-covered Ford and Chevy trucks with “I bleed red, white & blue” and Dale Earnhart bumper stickers and full gun-racks driven by obese, red necks with eagle, “Jesus is Lord” and swastika tattoos in my home town – Battle Ground, Washington. YES!!! God bless America!!
You think I’m joking don’t you? I’m definitely not!! I now love everything American and hate everything Chinese. F’ing china. They don’t even have FORTUNE COOKIES here! I’ve eaten in a Chinese restaurant everyday for ten months - China, you owe me A LOT of fucking fortune cookies.
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