So, our Chinese friend Angela has to take a two-hour long bus ride twice a week. One time, she fell asleep and when she woke up, the man sitting next to her told her that a guy had unzipped her purse (which was sitting on her lap) and stole her cell phone out of it then got off at the next stop. So, she's telling me this story and OF COURSE my first question is – why didn't the man sitting next to you stop him and wake you up?! She said: “he couldn't! What if the thief hit him or hurt him?”
Ummmmmm, I think that 99% of Americans that were witnessing a sleeping girl getting jacked would do something, right?!?! If I saw a man unzipping a little Chinese girl's purse – I would yell “HEY!” without even thinking – duh!
So, Later I heard her telling the story to Brandon and two of our Chinese TAs (teacher's assistants). Naturally, Brandon asked the same question as I did. Angela and both TAs defended the guy! They said that if they saw a thief, they wouldn't say anything either because the thief might hit them.
China is so f'ed up.
May 28, 2010
Don't let our future adoption agency see this
So, Brandon and I are going to adopt babies someday! I'm thinking in maybe six or seven years but I still love planning it out!!!
Ok, so I want to get two babies: one from India and one from China. Since both Indian and Chinese people love baby boys and hate baby girls (slight exaggeration, I guessss) we will end up with girls for sure. And I already picked out their names!! The Chinese baby will be named Ping Pong and the Indian baby will be Aloo Paneer (which means Spinach and Cheese: my fav Indian food!!). Since Brandon and I have DRASTICALLY different ideas when it comes to parenting, we’ve decided that it'd be best if he took one kid and I took the other. Plus, it'll be really fun to be competitive on whose kid gets better grades/becomes the most successful! Hahaaha!!
Aloo Paneer (Mariel's Indian baby):
-My child is going to be strictly vegetarian, of course. She's Indian, so duh.
-I'll encourage Aloo Paneer to do sports but I won't pressure/force like Brandon. Instead, I'll pressure/force her to do 4-H and FFA. She'll be the best at showing cows/goats/llamas/rabbits/poultry and she'll also do 4-H's competitive cooking competitions!!!! YAY! She’s so lucky!
-She better graduate from college by the time she's 20. No excuses.
-Atheism isn't all that fun and there are no holidays so I think I'm going to raise her to be either Jewish or Hindu. I haven't decided which yet.
-If Aloo ever decides to vote republican/date a republican, join the military, join a sorority, become an evangelical, eat meat or drive a truck, I'll disown her.
Brandon has it all planned out too:
Ping Pong (Brandon's Chinese baby)
-Brandon is going to make Ping Pong SUPER athletic. She's going to play Softball, basketball, golf, tennis and also do Gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do, Judo and Jujitsu. Oh, and figure skating like Michelle Kwon.
-Ping Pong will be allowed to eat meat and fast food for probably every meal.
-If Ping pong EVER tries drinking alcohol, smoking or doing drugs (with her sister Aloo who'll be allowed to experiment), he'll disown her and never speak to her again.
-Ping Pong will be attending a private, all-girls school and she's not allowed to have a boyfriend until she's 40. And he has to be white.
Pros of adopting rather than making your own babies:
1) If our child turns out to be unathletic or geeky or stupid, we can just blame it on genetics!! On the other hand, if they turn out awesome, we'll just attribute it to our awesome parenting skills!
2) No stretch marks!!
3) Whenever Ping Pong is being bad, we'll threaten to send her back to China where she'll have to go to a boarding school from 7:00am-6:00pm everyday
4) If Aloo is ever bad, I’ll just tell her all the stories about female baby infanticide, arranged marriages, and wife-abuse in India!!!
5) If Ping Pong complains about my vegetarian cooking, I'll just tell her that she can go back to China and eat chicken feet, dog meat and jellied-fish eyes
6) In China, a child MUST financially support their parents after they turn 20 years old. If they don't, the parents have the legal right to file a lawsuit against their kid. We're going to tell Ping Pong that she better respect her culture!!!!!!
Update: Brandon decided that he doesn't want a Chinese baby. Chinese girls are just too unattractive and it'll lessen her chances of marrying a rich, old dude and becoming a trophy wife. So now he wants a Filipino baby. Good choice: I totally agree
Ok, so I want to get two babies: one from India and one from China. Since both Indian and Chinese people love baby boys and hate baby girls (slight exaggeration, I guessss) we will end up with girls for sure. And I already picked out their names!! The Chinese baby will be named Ping Pong and the Indian baby will be Aloo Paneer (which means Spinach and Cheese: my fav Indian food!!). Since Brandon and I have DRASTICALLY different ideas when it comes to parenting, we’ve decided that it'd be best if he took one kid and I took the other. Plus, it'll be really fun to be competitive on whose kid gets better grades/becomes the most successful! Hahaaha!!
Aloo Paneer (Mariel's Indian baby):
-My child is going to be strictly vegetarian, of course. She's Indian, so duh.
-I'll encourage Aloo Paneer to do sports but I won't pressure/force like Brandon. Instead, I'll pressure/force her to do 4-H and FFA. She'll be the best at showing cows/goats/llamas/rabbits/poultry and she'll also do 4-H's competitive cooking competitions!!!! YAY! She’s so lucky!
-She better graduate from college by the time she's 20. No excuses.
-Atheism isn't all that fun and there are no holidays so I think I'm going to raise her to be either Jewish or Hindu. I haven't decided which yet.
-If Aloo ever decides to vote republican/date a republican, join the military, join a sorority, become an evangelical, eat meat or drive a truck, I'll disown her.
Brandon has it all planned out too:
Ping Pong (Brandon's Chinese baby)
-Brandon is going to make Ping Pong SUPER athletic. She's going to play Softball, basketball, golf, tennis and also do Gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do, Judo and Jujitsu. Oh, and figure skating like Michelle Kwon.
-Ping Pong will be allowed to eat meat and fast food for probably every meal.
-If Ping pong EVER tries drinking alcohol, smoking or doing drugs (with her sister Aloo who'll be allowed to experiment), he'll disown her and never speak to her again.
-Ping Pong will be attending a private, all-girls school and she's not allowed to have a boyfriend until she's 40. And he has to be white.
Pros of adopting rather than making your own babies:
1) If our child turns out to be unathletic or geeky or stupid, we can just blame it on genetics!! On the other hand, if they turn out awesome, we'll just attribute it to our awesome parenting skills!
2) No stretch marks!!
3) Whenever Ping Pong is being bad, we'll threaten to send her back to China where she'll have to go to a boarding school from 7:00am-6:00pm everyday
4) If Aloo is ever bad, I’ll just tell her all the stories about female baby infanticide, arranged marriages, and wife-abuse in India!!!
5) If Ping Pong complains about my vegetarian cooking, I'll just tell her that she can go back to China and eat chicken feet, dog meat and jellied-fish eyes
6) In China, a child MUST financially support their parents after they turn 20 years old. If they don't, the parents have the legal right to file a lawsuit against their kid. We're going to tell Ping Pong that she better respect her culture!!!!!!
Update: Brandon decided that he doesn't want a Chinese baby. Chinese girls are just too unattractive and it'll lessen her chances of marrying a rich, old dude and becoming a trophy wife. So now he wants a Filipino baby. Good choice: I totally agree
Bus driving scum
So Brandon and I use public transportation for everywhere that we go in our city. A bus ride costs 1 rmb (14 cents) where as taxis might cost 14 rmb ($2.00) to get across town – so f that!!!
I pretty much consider Chinese bus drivers to be my worst enemy. I hate them sooooo, so much!! Why?
1)They talk (which means yell) on their cell phones or text message while smoking a cigarette when they’re driving. So, their driving is beyond erratic – even for china.
2) Break times. FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Drivers just pull over any time they want! Sometimes they pull over to just buy a pack of cigarettes and other times they pull over to order a meal from a restaurant. AND THE PEOPLE IN THE BUSS JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM!!! What’s worse, bus drivers are allowed to take a two hour lunch break (all Chinese people take two hour lunch breaks, btw) ANYTIME between 11:00am and 2:30pm. SOOO, that means that at some point, the driver may just pull over and stop FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!! WTF?!?! ……deep breath…… Brandon and I learned the hard way that we can’t ride the bus between those hours.
3) Sometimes they bring their own radios on the bus and turn on Chinese music or talk radio SUPER LOUD – you have no idea the torture this causes
4) Portland Trimet drivers stop at every stop that they see people – Chinese drivers stop at every stop that they feel like stopping at. In order to get a bus to stop, you have to wave your arms in the air – they don’t just automatically stop. Half the time, even if there are 12 people at the stop wildly waving their arms in the air, the driver just won’t stop. WHY??????????????????????????
I pretty much consider Chinese bus drivers to be my worst enemy. I hate them sooooo, so much!! Why?
1)They talk (which means yell) on their cell phones or text message while smoking a cigarette when they’re driving. So, their driving is beyond erratic – even for china.
2) Break times. FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Drivers just pull over any time they want! Sometimes they pull over to just buy a pack of cigarettes and other times they pull over to order a meal from a restaurant. AND THE PEOPLE IN THE BUSS JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM!!! What’s worse, bus drivers are allowed to take a two hour lunch break (all Chinese people take two hour lunch breaks, btw) ANYTIME between 11:00am and 2:30pm. SOOO, that means that at some point, the driver may just pull over and stop FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!! WTF?!?! ……deep breath…… Brandon and I learned the hard way that we can’t ride the bus between those hours.
3) Sometimes they bring their own radios on the bus and turn on Chinese music or talk radio SUPER LOUD – you have no idea the torture this causes
4) Portland Trimet drivers stop at every stop that they see people – Chinese drivers stop at every stop that they feel like stopping at. In order to get a bus to stop, you have to wave your arms in the air – they don’t just automatically stop. Half the time, even if there are 12 people at the stop wildly waving their arms in the air, the driver just won’t stop. WHY??????????????????????????
Philippines Highlights!!!!
This trip was awesome!!!!!! Who knew that the Phillipines were so cool?!
So, the people: we decided that Filipinos look like brown white people. They look slightly Mexican and maybe just a little Asian (we're so used to Chinese people that it's hard to tell if they looked slanty or not – hahaa!) but they definitely dress, eat and talk like Americans.
Most importantly, the food in the philipines was AMAZING!!! We've been stuck in China where there's literally nothing but Chinese food, McDonald's and Chinese food for a hundred mile radius from our apartment so when we got to the philipines and saw Mexican food, Italian food, American food and Indian food – we freaked out. Nelly and Brandon cried a little when they saw a Wendy's.
Here are some of the craziest things from our trip:
1) We had to fly out of Hong Kong to get to Manila. At the boarder between China and Hong Kong, we had arranged for a company to pick us up and take us through the boarder in a car and drive us straight to the airport. To our surprise, the car was on time . Nelly, Josh and I jumped in the car but a little, ancient chinese bitch literally pushed brandon and cut in front of him. We told her to get out and the driver told her to get out but she wouldn’t. Since having that old bitch in the car made it so that there wasn't an available seatbelt for Brandon, the driver said that Brandon couldn't come with us (in china, no one wear seatbelts but in Hong Kong there’s a different government thus different laws so seatbelts are required. So, we all had to get out. We were told that another car would get us in a minute. We waited for 1 ½ hours. For 1 ½ hours the words “old ” “Chink” and “Cunt” were used well over 900 times. Then, of course, there was a HUGE delay at the border. We were 2 ½ hours behind schedule and I was 100% sure that we were going to miss our flight. We knew that if we missed this flight, our specific airline wouldn’t have another Manila flight until the next night which would mean that we'd miss our flight to Cebu – so we'd have to cancel everything. When our car pulled up to the airport, it was ten minutes before our scheduled take-off time. We ran, and ran and ran. SOMEHOW there was no lines at the security check and SOMEHOW the plane was a little delayed and we ended up making it just in time. GOD!
2) We swam with glowing plankton!!!!!!! We were walking in the water at night on Boracay's White Beach and we kept seeing little, glowing, green and blue flashes in the water. We waded out into the deeper water and we saw thousands of them!!!! We stayed for three hours! It was magical and beautiful – totally like something from Avatar!!!!!!!
3) We spent four hours on a boat going from island to island and stopping for snorkeling at the best reefs (I saw angel fish and Nemo fish!!!!!!!!). It was fantastic!! But then, that night, it turned out that Josh, Nelly and Brandon had gotten terrible, crazy-red sunburns! And me: I got an awesome TAN!! JEW POWER!!!!!
4) So, I didn't get a sunburn but two days later I got something waaaaaay worse. My back was itching like crazy but I didn’t think anything of it until nelly saw my back and freaked out. I had this DISGUSTING, SICK, GROSS rash thing on my back. A 6”x6” spot on my back was covered in gazillions of red and white and NASTY bumps. YEAH! It was insanely itchy and painful. I begged Brandon to just get a knife and cut my back off. It was awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know when I got it too. At one of the hostels we stayed at, we all had separate beds and we were sure that our sheets were dirty. I guess I just got lucky with the diseased ones. Brandon thought that I should just consider myself lucky that those bumps didn't happen on my chest – he said he would have left me for sure. Anyway, it has been almost a month and the rash is almost gone. I don't know what it was and it's not like I can go to a Chinese doctor about it. They'd probably tell me that it was caused by eating too many cucumbers and not enough turtle feet.
5) We saw the Chocolate Hills which are one of the seven wonders of the world! It was so awesome – there are over 1,000 of these perfectly shaped hills – you just have to see it!
6) Brandon got his tattoo finished!!! I think it's the coolest thing in the world that he got his tattoo in Boracay, on the most beautiful beach in the world!! Finishing the tattoo took 5 ½ hours! The first half of his tattoo was done in Phuket on Patong Beach and took 4 hours.
7) One of our hostels had a killer spider in it! It was enormous – like massive – like almost as big as a tarantula!!! Josh, Nelly and I were so scared!!! We just stood on one of the beds while Brandon went after it for us. It took an hour but Brandon finally beat it to death with a broken toilet seat lid that we found. I'm still having nightmares.
May 22, 2010
Quest for the holy grail: a hot Chinese man
For the past nine months of living in China, Nelly (she's from AMURICA too) and I have been on a quest to find attractive Chinese guys. All the men are beyond repulsive here but we're sure that in a country of over one billion people, there'd have to be a few, right?!
So, we eventually found one: he was the dad of one of our kindergarten students. He was probably 6’2” and 200lbs. He was bald (which we usually aren't into but being bald meant that he didn't have a RETARDED Chinese haircut) and totally muscley!!! AND, his teeth (although needing braces) we're white and not brown/black/missing and he had short fingernails!!! We freaked out!!!!!!!!!! We gathered all of our Chinese TAs together so that they could check him out too and guess what – they all thought he was super “unattractive”!!!!!!!!! They said he looked like a big, ugly ogre!!! WTF is wrong with Chinese girls!?!?!!!!!!!! I guess they were right too because we later saw his wife and she had brown skin (which means UGLYYYYY in China).
Ok, so other than that ONE guy (who we never saw again), I've never found another hot Chinese guy. YEAH! Once, Nelly and I found a magazine advertisement with a HOT asian guy so we tore it out and took it to the TAs. It turned out that he was a Taiwanese celebrity and he's half white.
And I know what you're thinking... “But Mariel, in America, I see hot Asian guys every once in a while!” Ok, yes, me too. But those Asians are totally "western": they don't have dogshit haircuts, they brush their teeth and get braces, they don't have three-inch long fingernails, they don't wear shiny/bedazzled clothing and they weigh more than 120 pounds. Oh, and they’re probably Korean – not Chinese. Haaha!!
I live in Alabama.
I've been saying a lot (A LOT) of bad things about Chiina in this blog. But to be fair, I need to point out that I've never been to Beijing or Shanghai – maybe people are less retarded there! Everyone keeps telling me that Foshan (the city I'm living in) is the Alabama of Chiina. It's where people are the most closed-mined and conservative in Chinaa. However, I've spent about 15 weekends in Guangzhou (the third biggest city in Chinaa) and from what I've seen, people are just about as stupid there as in Foshan.
Oh Foshan, how I hate thee! Foshan is where SARS originated. And, apparently (I haven't found anything on the internet about this) the Bird Flu ALSO started here too. F'ing crazy, right? But makes perfect sense to me.... no one (NO ONE) ever washes their hands here – ever. I’m serious; some people literally go through their entire lives without washing their hands. And I'm not exaggerating!!! Before I leave here I'm going to record my Chinese friends explaining how soap is bad for the skin on your hands so that everyone will believe me! I have to carry soap with me where ever I go because there is never any in bathrooms (including in schools or restaurants).
And then there's the sneezing and spitting. People don't cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. That would be unheard of here and they have no idea about the spreading germs thing. "What are germs?" And since the pollution is so awful AND because every man in this country smokes (and exposes his family to second hand smoke), EVERYONE is always coughing and sneezing on each other. It's disgusting!! Also, everyone is always spitting. Chinese people believe that excess saliva contains toxins and needs to be expelled from the body continually. So, people are always spitting. People spit on the floor in grocery stores, restaurants and in my f'ing classroom!!
Oh Foshan, how I hate thee! Foshan is where SARS originated. And, apparently (I haven't found anything on the internet about this) the Bird Flu ALSO started here too. F'ing crazy, right? But makes perfect sense to me.... no one (NO ONE) ever washes their hands here – ever. I’m serious; some people literally go through their entire lives without washing their hands. And I'm not exaggerating!!! Before I leave here I'm going to record my Chinese friends explaining how soap is bad for the skin on your hands so that everyone will believe me! I have to carry soap with me where ever I go because there is never any in bathrooms (including in schools or restaurants).
And then there's the sneezing and spitting. People don't cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. That would be unheard of here and they have no idea about the spreading germs thing. "What are germs?" And since the pollution is so awful AND because every man in this country smokes (and exposes his family to second hand smoke), EVERYONE is always coughing and sneezing on each other. It's disgusting!! Also, everyone is always spitting. Chinese people believe that excess saliva contains toxins and needs to be expelled from the body continually. So, people are always spitting. People spit on the floor in grocery stores, restaurants and in my f'ing classroom!!
I love Brandon!!
For my birthday, Brandon grew out his hair for three months and didn’t shave his face for 3 ½ weeks. He looked so great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus, he was super miserable having long hair, which I also enjoyed! :) After my birthday he was going to get his whole head and face shaved but I got him to agree to just get a normal haircut – I just have to do all of his laundry for the next 70 days. Whatever – I do most of his laundry anyway. Plus, he let me cut his hair into a mullet before we went to see the “barber” (man with a chair and a pair of scissors that charges 7rmb -$1. for a terrible haircut). I think that Brandon liked the mullet more than what the “barber” gave him – the guy shaved off his sideburns!
My birthday
This was my second birthday away from home. Last year was in Bangkok and this year: China. Since China makes me want to kill myself, I thought this was going to be the worst birthday EVER but it ended up being really, really nice!!!
Brandon surprised me by decorating our apartment and getting me every single ingredient that you need to make burritos!!! He actually found tortillas and cheese in HK!!!!!! It was the best meal I've ever had!
And the boxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maria and my mom (the coolest people in the whooooooooole world) spent a gazillion dollars sending me giant boxes of American stuff!!!! I love them sooooo, soooo much! Unless you've lived in this hell country, there's no way you can really understand how much it means to get a pile of American magazines, luna bars, Indian food mixes and real chocolate. It was better than chirstmas morning!!! I've already read every single word in all of the magazines but I'm rationing all of the food so that it’ll last until July when I leave!! It's going to make surviving so much easier!
Brandon surprised me by decorating our apartment and getting me every single ingredient that you need to make burritos!!! He actually found tortillas and cheese in HK!!!!!! It was the best meal I've ever had!
And the boxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maria and my mom (the coolest people in the whooooooooole world) spent a gazillion dollars sending me giant boxes of American stuff!!!! I love them sooooo, soooo much! Unless you've lived in this hell country, there's no way you can really understand how much it means to get a pile of American magazines, luna bars, Indian food mixes and real chocolate. It was better than chirstmas morning!!! I've already read every single word in all of the magazines but I'm rationing all of the food so that it’ll last until July when I leave!! It's going to make surviving so much easier!
Thank you gay nigga!!
There's a SUPER GAY Filipino guy that works at our school named Allen. When I first met him, I tried really hard to make him my new, gay bff because 1) I've always wanted a gay bff and 2) it seemed like he had no friends except for our psycho boss Tina. All the foreigners and Chinese staff hated him! But then, I learned why. He's a tattler!!! Tina (our super evil, bitchie boss) has Allen in her pocket. If we said anything negative about the school, our jobs or China in the vicinity of Allen, we knew that Tina was going to immediately find out about it. And he lied constantly to us! When we first started at our school, Tina and Allen had us doing retarded amounts of extra work because they said that it was part of our jobs. Then, we found out from the other foreign teachers that we were being lied to. I could go on ALL DAY about how badly he f'ed us over.
Ok, so Allen is Filipino, right? Every single Filipino I've ever met (I've been to the Philippines) speaks perfect, American-sounding English: but not allen. I have 12 year old Chinese kids in my classes with significantly better English than him- which definitely isn’t saying much. He’s nearly impossible to understand and his lisp and flamboyantly gay voice doesn’t help his cause. Anyway, he has a lot of weird phrases like “What time it is?” and “already I told her” but our favorite one is: “Thank you for that” – he says it ALL THE TIME and in a super gay way. Like hundreds of times a day! So of course, we all started saying it constantly. One time during a school promotion, Brandon and josh had the microphone and they said “thank you for that” at the end of every sentence right in front of allen (who didn’t notice). Nelly and I almost peed our pants.
So, in Chinese class one time, Josh asked how to say “thank you for that” in Chinese. Melon (our teacher and best friend) wrote on the board: “thank you” = “xia xia” “for” = “gay” and “that” = “nigga.” So, “XiaXia gay nigga.” We had to stop class because none of us could stop laughing.
So, for the past 8 months, we have been saying “gay nigga” constantly. We say “sorry gay nigga,” “I love you gay nigga,” “I'm hungry gay nigga.” We think we’re so funny!
Ok, so Allen is Filipino, right? Every single Filipino I've ever met (I've been to the Philippines) speaks perfect, American-sounding English: but not allen. I have 12 year old Chinese kids in my classes with significantly better English than him- which definitely isn’t saying much. He’s nearly impossible to understand and his lisp and flamboyantly gay voice doesn’t help his cause. Anyway, he has a lot of weird phrases like “What time it is?” and “already I told her” but our favorite one is: “Thank you for that” – he says it ALL THE TIME and in a super gay way. Like hundreds of times a day! So of course, we all started saying it constantly. One time during a school promotion, Brandon and josh had the microphone and they said “thank you for that” at the end of every sentence right in front of allen (who didn’t notice). Nelly and I almost peed our pants.
So, in Chinese class one time, Josh asked how to say “thank you for that” in Chinese. Melon (our teacher and best friend) wrote on the board: “thank you” = “xia xia” “for” = “gay” and “that” = “nigga.” So, “XiaXia gay nigga.” We had to stop class because none of us could stop laughing.
So, for the past 8 months, we have been saying “gay nigga” constantly. We say “sorry gay nigga,” “I love you gay nigga,” “I'm hungry gay nigga.” We think we’re so funny!
White Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Can you imagine dropping acid in China? You'd be like: whoaaaa, why is everyone so small? And Asian?” –our American friend: Jon
There are four million Chinese people in our city and 10 foreigners. So, every time we see a white person (or anyone that's not Chinese) – we freak out!!!! And so do Chinese people!
Being white is awesome in China. We're basically rock stars. People are always yelling “HALLO!” at us and taking pictures of us on their camera phones. Chinese people just think that whities are super cool (as they should). So naturally businesses love to use white people for their advertisements. Almost every restaurant, clothing store, training school (ours included) or shopping mall uses photos of white people eating their food/trying on their clothes/attending their classes as advertising. The photos are pretty much always fake or stolen. For example, there's a Spa next to our school that has a billboard with Clive Owen on it. And I once saw Brad Pitt's photo advertising a Chinese restaurant (Duh – don't they know that Brad is a vegetarian?!). AND, we saw an ad for hookers that used photos of Brittany Spears! Even Josh's photo is being used to advertise an Optometry Clinic!
This kind of stuff happens all the time – like one time, a Chinese lady asked Brandon/Josh/Nelly/me if we'd come to a “ceramics fair” to pretend that we were customers. She said that she'd pay us 300 rmb each ($43.) to pretend that we were interested in buying sinks, showers and toilets to import to America. Of course we agreed. By white people being there, it apparently made other customers more interested in purchasing the products. It was so awesome because while we were touring these stores, we got free food and as much wine as we wanted!!! YEAH! White Pow!
There are four million Chinese people in our city and 10 foreigners. So, every time we see a white person (or anyone that's not Chinese) – we freak out!!!! And so do Chinese people!
Being white is awesome in China. We're basically rock stars. People are always yelling “HALLO!” at us and taking pictures of us on their camera phones. Chinese people just think that whities are super cool (as they should). So naturally businesses love to use white people for their advertisements. Almost every restaurant, clothing store, training school (ours included) or shopping mall uses photos of white people eating their food/trying on their clothes/attending their classes as advertising. The photos are pretty much always fake or stolen. For example, there's a Spa next to our school that has a billboard with Clive Owen on it. And I once saw Brad Pitt's photo advertising a Chinese restaurant (Duh – don't they know that Brad is a vegetarian?!). AND, we saw an ad for hookers that used photos of Brittany Spears! Even Josh's photo is being used to advertise an Optometry Clinic!
This kind of stuff happens all the time – like one time, a Chinese lady asked Brandon/Josh/Nelly/me if we'd come to a “ceramics fair” to pretend that we were customers. She said that she'd pay us 300 rmb each ($43.) to pretend that we were interested in buying sinks, showers and toilets to import to America. Of course we agreed. By white people being there, it apparently made other customers more interested in purchasing the products. It was so awesome because while we were touring these stores, we got free food and as much wine as we wanted!!! YEAH! White Pow!
If this was America, I would die from embarrassment
I’ve been avoiding going dancing in Chinaa for the past nine months. I hate Chinese music (it ALL sounds like Brittany Spear but probably 1379% worse), I hate it when Chinese girls drink LITERALLY one sip of beer and then declare: “OH MY GOD; I’M SO TOTALLY WASTED” and start stumbling around, I hate going pee in a squat toilet when I’m drunk (or any other time for that matter) and I hate Chinese men who ALL consistently smoke at a rate of 8 cigarettes per hour. I knew that a Chinese bar or club would be the extremes of all these things so I did NOT want to go. But then, I got peer pressured into it and yes, I was totally dead on. Oh, there was one added surprise that I should have expected: dancing Chinese people = sweaty Chinese people = worst BO smell in the world!!!!!
The smoke is crazy. In the club, it looked like there were 10 fog machines on top notch – but there wasn’t. Just Chinese people smoking. Remember how I explained that 100% of Chinese men smoke and 0% of Chinese girls - well I learned that that’s not true. Prostitutes are all smokers and lots of the girls (almost half I’d guess) that go to clubs are smokers. So basically, after spending a few hours in this place, I’m pretty sure I have lung cancer.
Ok, ok, so a group of six of us went out last night to this bar called “V-Mix” which is supposed to be the COOLEST place in Shunde. We got a table and ordered a bucket of beers because that’s what everyone does. After drinking for a little while Nelly and I went to find a bathroom. Amazingly, we didn’t get lost on the way there but we definitely did on the way back. It turned out that this place has like a hundered different rooms. When we walked into the wrong one, we were immediately asked to get on a stage by a couple of Chinese guys. We said NO but they literally dragged us up to the stage which is in the middle of the bar in the center of the room (and had POLES!!!!). We kept saying no: “Wo bu yao, wo bu yao, wo bu yao!!” but Nelly got pushed up and then two 115lb Chinese guys SOMEHOW picked me up and put me on the stage. Awesome. Everyone started screaming (because we’re white) and I guess that made our slut magic kick in so we started dancing – like total hookers!!!!!!!!!! …but just for a minute. As soon as we could, we climbed down and RAN out of the room SCREAMING back to the boys.
It turned out that a couple managers of the club followed us back. They talked to Angela -our one Chinese friend that went with us - and told her that if Nelly and I went back to dance, they’d give us free drinks and food (Chinese people order tons of food when they go to clubs) for the rest of the night. Let me think - OK!! So we picked up our stuff and moved to the other room.
So yeah, Nelly and I danced on stage again. It was extra bad because I was wearing a super low-cut dress which is something that Chinese girls NEVER do. They all wear REALLY short skirts where you can literally see their butt cheeks – but they’d never-ever consider wearing anything that’d show off their cleavage (or lack thereof). So yeah, back to dancing: this is something that I’d NEVER do in America (again that is-- Oh my god Maria: I still DIE when I think about that night at Mike’s!!!!!!!!!!!). But we’re in China with Chinese people – so who cares, right?!?!! HA! And we got all the free drinks and stuff that we wanted!
Some other crazy things about the bar:
1) The bouncers were tiny. They weren’t even slightly bigger than the average Chinese guy. So, that means like 120ish lbs.
2) On the dance floor, everyone faces the same direction. It looks like they’re going to start line dancing or something. So, the room is set up with the dance floor at one end and then tons of tables at the other. Everyone dances in lines and all facing the tables. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3) The DJ played “la cucaracha.” Twice.
4) We saw a Chinese guy who was clearly trashed dancing on the dance floor (facing the tables!!) who would violently dance/jump/thrash his arms around and then just sit down on the ground or lay his head down against one of the speakers or handrails. Then, he’d jump up and do it again. He was like crazed!!!!!!!!! At one point, he climbed up on some speakers and immediately fell off and hit his head on the way down. It was awful (and hilarious)! When he was passed out cold for two minutes, about 12 bouncers came over and stood in a circle around him. As soon as he came to and got up, they just left and he went back to dancing/flinging his body around the dance floor. THEY DIDN’T KICK HIM OUT!!!!! It was awesome.
5) Ummmm, so Chinese people use squat toilets which means that Chinese bathrooms are always jaw-droopingly disgusting. But this one was beyond anything I’ve ever seen. My gag-reflex could barely handle it. I can still feel the stinging in the back of my throat from the smell. It’s haunting. The floors were flooded with pee and there was smashed up poop on the floors of all of the stalls. FML. The pee-splashes had eroded the bottoms of all the stall doors which were almost rusted through. As usual, I screamed “For god’s sake; you’re all uncivilized savages!” in my best British accent. COME ON, how can a country that uses these “toilets” be a world superpower?!?!!?! And was there soap or toilet paper in the bathroom? OF COURSE NOT! Pigs. Luckily, I’ve learned to carry that with me at ALL times – in my bra. God I hate chinaa.
6) I also want to point out another big cultural difference. Unlike AMURICA(!!!!) most people in China think that dance clubs and bars are really, really, really, really, really bad places. A “good girl” in china will never set foot into a club – ever. Our friends have explained to us a zillion times that the girls in bars and clubs are BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD girls. But then again, their definition of “Bad girl” means: 1)being an unmarried non-virgin 2)being a smoker 3)drinking beer
The smoke is crazy. In the club, it looked like there were 10 fog machines on top notch – but there wasn’t. Just Chinese people smoking. Remember how I explained that 100% of Chinese men smoke and 0% of Chinese girls - well I learned that that’s not true. Prostitutes are all smokers and lots of the girls (almost half I’d guess) that go to clubs are smokers. So basically, after spending a few hours in this place, I’m pretty sure I have lung cancer.
Ok, ok, so a group of six of us went out last night to this bar called “V-Mix” which is supposed to be the COOLEST place in Shunde. We got a table and ordered a bucket of beers because that’s what everyone does. After drinking for a little while Nelly and I went to find a bathroom. Amazingly, we didn’t get lost on the way there but we definitely did on the way back. It turned out that this place has like a hundered different rooms. When we walked into the wrong one, we were immediately asked to get on a stage by a couple of Chinese guys. We said NO but they literally dragged us up to the stage which is in the middle of the bar in the center of the room (and had POLES!!!!). We kept saying no: “Wo bu yao, wo bu yao, wo bu yao!!” but Nelly got pushed up and then two 115lb Chinese guys SOMEHOW picked me up and put me on the stage. Awesome. Everyone started screaming (because we’re white) and I guess that made our slut magic kick in so we started dancing – like total hookers!!!!!!!!!! …but just for a minute. As soon as we could, we climbed down and RAN out of the room SCREAMING back to the boys.
It turned out that a couple managers of the club followed us back. They talked to Angela -our one Chinese friend that went with us - and told her that if Nelly and I went back to dance, they’d give us free drinks and food (Chinese people order tons of food when they go to clubs) for the rest of the night. Let me think - OK!! So we picked up our stuff and moved to the other room.
So yeah, Nelly and I danced on stage again. It was extra bad because I was wearing a super low-cut dress which is something that Chinese girls NEVER do. They all wear REALLY short skirts where you can literally see their butt cheeks – but they’d never-ever consider wearing anything that’d show off their cleavage (or lack thereof). So yeah, back to dancing: this is something that I’d NEVER do in America (again that is-- Oh my god Maria: I still DIE when I think about that night at Mike’s!!!!!!!!!!!). But we’re in China with Chinese people – so who cares, right?!?!! HA! And we got all the free drinks and stuff that we wanted!
Some other crazy things about the bar:
1) The bouncers were tiny. They weren’t even slightly bigger than the average Chinese guy. So, that means like 120ish lbs.
2) On the dance floor, everyone faces the same direction. It looks like they’re going to start line dancing or something. So, the room is set up with the dance floor at one end and then tons of tables at the other. Everyone dances in lines and all facing the tables. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3) The DJ played “la cucaracha.” Twice.
4) We saw a Chinese guy who was clearly trashed dancing on the dance floor (facing the tables!!) who would violently dance/jump/thrash his arms around and then just sit down on the ground or lay his head down against one of the speakers or handrails. Then, he’d jump up and do it again. He was like crazed!!!!!!!!! At one point, he climbed up on some speakers and immediately fell off and hit his head on the way down. It was awful (and hilarious)! When he was passed out cold for two minutes, about 12 bouncers came over and stood in a circle around him. As soon as he came to and got up, they just left and he went back to dancing/flinging his body around the dance floor. THEY DIDN’T KICK HIM OUT!!!!! It was awesome.
5) Ummmm, so Chinese people use squat toilets which means that Chinese bathrooms are always jaw-droopingly disgusting. But this one was beyond anything I’ve ever seen. My gag-reflex could barely handle it. I can still feel the stinging in the back of my throat from the smell. It’s haunting. The floors were flooded with pee and there was smashed up poop on the floors of all of the stalls. FML. The pee-splashes had eroded the bottoms of all the stall doors which were almost rusted through. As usual, I screamed “For god’s sake; you’re all uncivilized savages!” in my best British accent. COME ON, how can a country that uses these “toilets” be a world superpower?!?!!?! And was there soap or toilet paper in the bathroom? OF COURSE NOT! Pigs. Luckily, I’ve learned to carry that with me at ALL times – in my bra. God I hate chinaa.
6) I also want to point out another big cultural difference. Unlike AMURICA(!!!!) most people in China think that dance clubs and bars are really, really, really, really, really bad places. A “good girl” in china will never set foot into a club – ever. Our friends have explained to us a zillion times that the girls in bars and clubs are BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD girls. But then again, their definition of “Bad girl” means: 1)being an unmarried non-virgin 2)being a smoker 3)drinking beer
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