We went to see Avatar (shown with Chinese subtitles) but I don’t remember anything about the movie. All I can remember is the noise.
“HWAY?! HWAY?! HWAAAAAAYYYYY?!!?!?!” I think that EVERY person in the theater must have gotten at least 319 phone calls (which they answered) during the movie. And then the babies – dear god. I’m wondering if you get a discount if you bring a crying baby with you into a theater because EVERYONE HAD ONE. Seriously, like everyone. I’ll be sure to bring one next time. “Hey ChingChangTongPing, can I borrow your screaming baby for a couple hours? I’m going to see a movie!”
Of couse all the men smelled like BO terribly and were chain smoking in the theater too.. Awesome. And each person apparently needed 10 bathroom visits. There was actually a huge restroom in the back of the movie theater!!! Which also meant that every time someone opened the door, the bright light messed up the movie.
So while taking care of their babies, reading their Chinese subtitles outloud, smoking, taking bathroom breaks and talking on their phone, people were SOMEHOW paying attention to the movie. I know this because of how the theater erupted with laughter several times during the movie. What were those parts? AVATAR SPOILER ALERT!! Lets see… when the bombs were going off and the tree was falling on people, when Sigourney Weaver died and during the kissing scene. What the f?!?!
Feb 17, 2010
Brittany would be a model parent in China
They only get to have one kid so you’d think they’d take care of it, right?
I’ve seen mothers feeding peanuts to their babies SO MANY TIMES. Never mind the terrible choking hazard, aren’t you supposed to wait until your child is a few years old to expose them to peanuts because of the deadly allergy possibility?!
Parents let their babies crawl around on the sidewalks in china. We constantly see them eating gross food off the street right in front of their parents. THIS IS WHY THEY ALL HAVE STEAL STOMACHS (and Hep A). If I was to eat something off a street in china, I’d die. No question.
We once saw a baby toddling onto an escalator. If Brandon hadn’t grabbed it, it definitely would have lost its little fingers.
When you’re holding a baby, you support their neck and hold their head, right? They’ve never heard of such a concept here and EVERYDAY we see babies with their little heads snapped all the way back or flopping from side to side and back and forth on a bus. It’s excruciating to watch.
Even super rich people don’t put their kids in car seats. They hold them while driving (while they smoke with the windows up).
Our students wear the exact same clothes to school every day. According to our TAs, our students are all rich kids whose parents can afford our school’s high prices. So why can’t they afford more than one ratty outfit for their kids?
I’d say that at least 1/5 of our students are dropped off for their classes at our school more than an hour early and are picked up at least an hour late. These poor kids live at a boarding school five days a week so they only get to be with their parents two f’ing days a week. So why the hell would you leave your kid at their Chinese lessons for longer than necessary?!?!?! Some of the kids are dripped off like three hours early AND picked up late!
I’ve seen mothers feeding peanuts to their babies SO MANY TIMES. Never mind the terrible choking hazard, aren’t you supposed to wait until your child is a few years old to expose them to peanuts because of the deadly allergy possibility?!
Parents let their babies crawl around on the sidewalks in china. We constantly see them eating gross food off the street right in front of their parents. THIS IS WHY THEY ALL HAVE STEAL STOMACHS (and Hep A). If I was to eat something off a street in china, I’d die. No question.
We once saw a baby toddling onto an escalator. If Brandon hadn’t grabbed it, it definitely would have lost its little fingers.
When you’re holding a baby, you support their neck and hold their head, right? They’ve never heard of such a concept here and EVERYDAY we see babies with their little heads snapped all the way back or flopping from side to side and back and forth on a bus. It’s excruciating to watch.
Even super rich people don’t put their kids in car seats. They hold them while driving (while they smoke with the windows up).
Our students wear the exact same clothes to school every day. According to our TAs, our students are all rich kids whose parents can afford our school’s high prices. So why can’t they afford more than one ratty outfit for their kids?
I’d say that at least 1/5 of our students are dropped off for their classes at our school more than an hour early and are picked up at least an hour late. These poor kids live at a boarding school five days a week so they only get to be with their parents two f’ing days a week. So why the hell would you leave your kid at their Chinese lessons for longer than necessary?!?!?! Some of the kids are dripped off like three hours early AND picked up late!
List of crazy stuff our Chinese friends say:
Melon (our favorite Chinese friend) was trying to say “SERVES HER RIGHT” but instead, she she announced “SERVICE HER RIGHT!!”
According to our Chinese friends, having sex makes a girl’s nipples turn brown. Apparently all virgins have pink nipples and “all married girls have brown nipples.” I guess this explains why there are nipple bleaching creams sold everywhere.
“what do you take me for? A foolish?” “Why do you treat me like a foolish?” –Melon
“BJ, BJ, BJ!!!!” Melon, our tiny, sweet, innocent friend started yelling “BJ!!!” over and over again on crowded street. We stopped from laughing long enough to ask her what she ment and she said that “BJ” meant “Bad Josh” and she was saying it because Josh was being mean to her.
Brandon, Nelly, Josh and I were stuffed into the back of a taxi and were FREAKING OUT because our driver had been driving THE WRONG WAY down a one-way highway for about six miles. The driver was swerving like crazy as we played chicken over and over again with semi trucks.
Melon: “Why you guys scared? He’s a good driver!”
Josh: “Yeah, he’s honking his horn and flashing his brights so there’s nothing to worry about”
Melon: “That’s right!”
Nelly and I were trying to think of pretty English names for my TA’s baby niece.. We came up with Emily, Cloe, Sarah, and Cassie when Margaret (our most retarded Chinese TA) butts in and says “Those aren’t real English names!!” Uhhhhhh, Nelly maybe a Russian and I may be a jew but I’m pretty sure we know what engish names are. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP….
Margaret: “How about TeePee?”
Mariel/Nelly: “WHAT?!”
Margaret: Like the letters: T P. It’s very beautiful girl name
Mariel/Nelly: TP, as in Toilet paper?! That’s what we call Toilet paper!!!
Margaret: “No it’s not!! Ok, well how about Doodoo or Kiki?
Mariel/Nelly: Oh my god!
Margaret: Or GoGo
Mariel: A GoGo is a place where you go to see naked dancers
Margaret: No it’s not!!! Ok, how about Apple? I think that’s the most beautiful English name
Mariel: That’s the name of a fruit, not a person’s name!! Would it be ok if my Chinese name was ShungGeow (Chinese for Banana)??
Margaret: That would be ridiculous. Seriously, Apple is a really good English name!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to our Chinese friends, having sex makes a girl’s nipples turn brown. Apparently all virgins have pink nipples and “all married girls have brown nipples.” I guess this explains why there are nipple bleaching creams sold everywhere.
“what do you take me for? A foolish?” “Why do you treat me like a foolish?” –Melon
“BJ, BJ, BJ!!!!” Melon, our tiny, sweet, innocent friend started yelling “BJ!!!” over and over again on crowded street. We stopped from laughing long enough to ask her what she ment and she said that “BJ” meant “Bad Josh” and she was saying it because Josh was being mean to her.
Brandon, Nelly, Josh and I were stuffed into the back of a taxi and were FREAKING OUT because our driver had been driving THE WRONG WAY down a one-way highway for about six miles. The driver was swerving like crazy as we played chicken over and over again with semi trucks.
Melon: “Why you guys scared? He’s a good driver!”
Josh: “Yeah, he’s honking his horn and flashing his brights so there’s nothing to worry about”
Melon: “That’s right!”
Nelly and I were trying to think of pretty English names for my TA’s baby niece.. We came up with Emily, Cloe, Sarah, and Cassie when Margaret (our most retarded Chinese TA) butts in and says “Those aren’t real English names!!” Uhhhhhh, Nelly maybe a Russian and I may be a jew but I’m pretty sure we know what engish names are. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP….
Margaret: “How about TeePee?”
Mariel/Nelly: “WHAT?!”
Margaret: Like the letters: T P. It’s very beautiful girl name
Mariel/Nelly: TP, as in Toilet paper?! That’s what we call Toilet paper!!!
Margaret: “No it’s not!! Ok, well how about Doodoo or Kiki?
Mariel/Nelly: Oh my god!
Margaret: Or GoGo
Mariel: A GoGo is a place where you go to see naked dancers
Margaret: No it’s not!!! Ok, how about Apple? I think that’s the most beautiful English name
Mariel: That’s the name of a fruit, not a person’s name!! Would it be ok if my Chinese name was ShungGeow (Chinese for Banana)??
Margaret: That would be ridiculous. Seriously, Apple is a really good English name!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh is a Jerk II
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain
As a result of my August post about Josh, I’m immensely proud to say that I’ve created quite a large “I hate Josh fanclub.” Unfortunately, my original intention for writing that entry still hasn’t been fulfilled: his parent’s haven’t read it yet!!! ….But I guess I don’t blame them for not loving him enough to read about how he’s doing.
EVEN if his parents don’t read this, I thought I’d catch up on just a few of his latest stories:
At school Josh told a bunch of kids that my name is rosie o’donnel and then had them call me that.
I’ve been trying to think of a fake name that I can use (for private tutoring which is against my contract) and I chose Lily. I had to choose a last name and Josh was nice enough to suggest Lily FattyMcFaterson.
Josh still nickel & dimes Nelly NON STOP! He even has started charging her for orgasms. Just the other day nelly had to buy josh breadsticks and ice cream to pay him back for two and a half.
Nelly bought some Chinese skinny-jeans that are nearly as thin as nylons and definitely as tight...
Josh: “You look like a hooker in those pants! They make your butt look like a planet or at least a large moon.” (Nelly is like a size 1)
Teresa: Are you talking about Nelly or Mariel?
Josh: HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! If I was talking about Mariel I definitely wouldn’t say large moon! I would say THE SUN!
Josh: “this is the widest door frame I’ve ever seen!! Mariel, even your butt can squeeze though!”
I learned that “Xiao JewJew” (which translates to “little piggy”) is a pet name that you’d call a Chinese girlfriend. When I heard that, I said that I wanted my new Chinese name to be Xiao JewJew. Of course, Josh said: “uhhhhh, you mean Da JewJew?” which means “big piggy.”
A few days later, five of us were in the back of a taxi and josh said: “It wouldn’t be so cramped if Da JewJew wasn’t taking up half of the seat.
Josh: “If Lisa had a big set of tits on her, I’d have sex with her. And if she said no, I’d rape her. Yeah – put that in your blog. I’d rape her.”
As a result of my August post about Josh, I’m immensely proud to say that I’ve created quite a large “I hate Josh fanclub.” Unfortunately, my original intention for writing that entry still hasn’t been fulfilled: his parent’s haven’t read it yet!!! ….But I guess I don’t blame them for not loving him enough to read about how he’s doing.
EVEN if his parents don’t read this, I thought I’d catch up on just a few of his latest stories:
At school Josh told a bunch of kids that my name is rosie o’donnel and then had them call me that.
I’ve been trying to think of a fake name that I can use (for private tutoring which is against my contract) and I chose Lily. I had to choose a last name and Josh was nice enough to suggest Lily FattyMcFaterson.
Josh still nickel & dimes Nelly NON STOP! He even has started charging her for orgasms. Just the other day nelly had to buy josh breadsticks and ice cream to pay him back for two and a half.
Nelly bought some Chinese skinny-jeans that are nearly as thin as nylons and definitely as tight...
Josh: “You look like a hooker in those pants! They make your butt look like a planet or at least a large moon.” (Nelly is like a size 1)
Teresa: Are you talking about Nelly or Mariel?
Josh: HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! If I was talking about Mariel I definitely wouldn’t say large moon! I would say THE SUN!
Josh: “this is the widest door frame I’ve ever seen!! Mariel, even your butt can squeeze though!”
I learned that “Xiao JewJew” (which translates to “little piggy”) is a pet name that you’d call a Chinese girlfriend. When I heard that, I said that I wanted my new Chinese name to be Xiao JewJew. Of course, Josh said: “uhhhhh, you mean Da JewJew?” which means “big piggy.”
A few days later, five of us were in the back of a taxi and josh said: “It wouldn’t be so cramped if Da JewJew wasn’t taking up half of the seat.
Josh: “If Lisa had a big set of tits on her, I’d have sex with her. And if she said no, I’d rape her. Yeah – put that in your blog. I’d rape her.”
Home again, home again
I went home to America for two weeks: the fastest two weeks of my life. I was totally in a daze as I went through American culture shock, visited my wonderful friends, ate LOADS of awesome food and soaked up weiner dog kisses. I’m still nostalgic about the whole trip!
So, when I went home I had only been out of the country for eight months but it really felt more like three years. Everything was freaking me out: the giant herds of WHITE people, blue sky, girls smoking cigarettes, blonde hair, smooth roads, sane driving, wheelchair access ramps, drinkable tap water, refrigerators that are bigger than 2 ½’ x 2’ – I haven’t seen any of these things FOR SO LONG! And more noticeable than anything… EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS SO CLEAN! I could go on and on and on. It’s shocking how literally every aspect of life is different in America vs China.
Things that I now FULLY APPRECIATE about America:
American men are staggeringly gorgeous. They’re three times the size of a Chinese guy, they brush their teeth, they don’t all smoke, they clip their nails, they wear deodorant, they know how to drive and they don’t have mullets
You can trust the things you buy to actually be what’s advertised. If you buy a six pack of Corona in China, it’s not going to be corona. It’ll be some nasty, Chinese rubbing alcohol in yellow water. The packaging will be real (they “recycled” the bottles) but the beer wont be real. Fakes are even sold at the the big grocery chains like Walmart here.
America has Mexican food, Italian food, Chinese food, Indian Food, American food, we have everything. In China, there’s Chinese food and then there’s Chinese food and then there’s McDonalds. That’s all you get.
No smoking in restaurants/elevators/bars
Most Americans know better than to blindly and unconditionally love and admire the government
And uhhhhhhhhhh…. HUMAN RIGHTS
Seriously, I love America so much now!! When I come back to America, I think I’m going to start driving a massive F350 covered with “GOD BLESS AMERICA” and “These colors don’t run” stickers. Maybe I’ll buy a gun and Sarah Palin’s book too!
So, when I went home I had only been out of the country for eight months but it really felt more like three years. Everything was freaking me out: the giant herds of WHITE people, blue sky, girls smoking cigarettes, blonde hair, smooth roads, sane driving, wheelchair access ramps, drinkable tap water, refrigerators that are bigger than 2 ½’ x 2’ – I haven’t seen any of these things FOR SO LONG! And more noticeable than anything… EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS SO CLEAN! I could go on and on and on. It’s shocking how literally every aspect of life is different in America vs China.
Things that I now FULLY APPRECIATE about America:
American men are staggeringly gorgeous. They’re three times the size of a Chinese guy, they brush their teeth, they don’t all smoke, they clip their nails, they wear deodorant, they know how to drive and they don’t have mullets
You can trust the things you buy to actually be what’s advertised. If you buy a six pack of Corona in China, it’s not going to be corona. It’ll be some nasty, Chinese rubbing alcohol in yellow water. The packaging will be real (they “recycled” the bottles) but the beer wont be real. Fakes are even sold at the the big grocery chains like Walmart here.
America has Mexican food, Italian food, Chinese food, Indian Food, American food, we have everything. In China, there’s Chinese food and then there’s Chinese food and then there’s McDonalds. That’s all you get.
No smoking in restaurants/elevators/bars
Most Americans know better than to blindly and unconditionally love and admire the government
And uhhhhhhhhhh…. HUMAN RIGHTS
Seriously, I love America so much now!! When I come back to America, I think I’m going to start driving a massive F350 covered with “GOD BLESS AMERICA” and “These colors don’t run” stickers. Maybe I’ll buy a gun and Sarah Palin’s book too!
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