Our old gym in Nanhai got shut down!!!! Either the building was condemned (I don’t know if they do that in China but in America, that building would DEFINITELY be knocked down) or it was too shitty for even Chinese people and it was shut down. This gym was PATHETIC and super dirty. It had no cardio equipment other than some half busted tredmills and all the free weights were covered in this black tar stuff that took forever to scrub off your hands. PLUS, it was only open from 9am-11am and 2pm-8pm and it was closed on one or two random days every week. #%!*$@& Chinese businesses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
So the stairs – this is how I mainly exercise now. Both places we’ve lived in have been in 24-story buildings so every morning (ok, almost every morning) I go up the stairs four times. I know, I’m awesome!! The only cool thing about doing this is that I always find flowers!!! Ok, so Chinese almost all live in 20+ story apartment buildings and they dump all of their trash in the stairwells (yeah, I know) and for whatever reason, Chinese girls get a lot ( A LOT) of flowers which they seem to throw away while they’re still fresh. So, literally every day I see bouquets of flowers in the stairwells and if the flowers are pretty, I collect them. Most bouquets in china are covered with glitter (same as their clothes, makeup, and cell phones) so I don’t take those flowers but sometimes I find un-glittered roses, lilies, gerber daisies and orchids. It’s awesome!!! Brandon said that on my birthday he’s going to climb the stairs before I do so that he can get me flowers – so romantic!
Apr 16, 2010
Saying inappropriate things in public - my fav thing about China
Yeah, all Chinese people have had 12 years (or more) of English classes from the public schools but seriously NO ONE speaks English. Other than our school’s employees, we pretty much NEVER meet anyone that can muster anything other than “hallo” “haw ah youuuu?” “you ahhh beautiful” and MAYBE numbers 1-5. The one great thing about this is that we get to have incredibly inappropriate conversations in public places. You wouldn’t believe how fun it is for Nelly and me to loudly discuss sex stories while two old ladies are sitting between us on a packed bus. The only real problem about doing this is that we’ve gotten waaaaaaaay to used to doing it and I’m sure when we’re back in America we’re going to slip up A LOT. Like in Hong Kong – EVERYONE speaks excellent English there (because it’s not really china) and there are loads of foreigners but we still always forget and end up embarrassing ourselves.
Nelly: Ryan is so hot!! I would TOTALLY swallow his cum!
Josh: we’ve been together for two years and you won’t even give me head!
Nelly: I TOLD YOU! Shave your ball afro and I will!
Mariel: He still doesn’t?! you’re such an inconsiderate jerk – she shaves everything for you!
Nelly: You should see his bush – it’s huge! Like enormous. I sweartogod his ball hair is four inches long!
Mariel: Oh. My. God. I didn’t know that ball hair could get that long!! GROSS!
At this very moment I looked over and two white guys were standing three feet away and laughing at us.
_____________
On a bus:
Josh: Condoms make your dick so gross! Have you ever given a guy head after he blew a load in a condom?
Mariel: No!
Nelly: have you?!
Josh: NO! Well, I don’t know if it smells as bad as it tastes but….
Mariel, Brandon, Nelly: HAAAAAHHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
Nelly: Ryan is so hot!! I would TOTALLY swallow his cum!
Josh: we’ve been together for two years and you won’t even give me head!
Nelly: I TOLD YOU! Shave your ball afro and I will!
Mariel: He still doesn’t?! you’re such an inconsiderate jerk – she shaves everything for you!
Nelly: You should see his bush – it’s huge! Like enormous. I sweartogod his ball hair is four inches long!
Mariel: Oh. My. God. I didn’t know that ball hair could get that long!! GROSS!
At this very moment I looked over and two white guys were standing three feet away and laughing at us.
_____________
On a bus:
Josh: Condoms make your dick so gross! Have you ever given a guy head after he blew a load in a condom?
Mariel: No!
Nelly: have you?!
Josh: NO! Well, I don’t know if it smells as bad as it tastes but….
Mariel, Brandon, Nelly: HAAAAAHHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
Riding in buses with Chinese People
Ummmmm, riding in a Chinese bus is worse than what I imagine waterboarding must be like.
Most Chinese people don’t bathe everyday and NONE of them wash their clothes often enough or wear deodorant which makes the buss’s air almost unbearable on a hot day. It smells like urine, BO and rotting balls.
Chinese busses have 10 single seats in the front and 12 double seats in the back. Even though there are 12 seats in the back, you pretty much NEVER see more than 6 people sitting. Even on super crowded busses where there are 25 people crammed in and standing, NO ONE that has one of those double seats will let someone sit next to them. They always put their bag or jacket on the seat next to them and refuse to move it. WHY?!?!?!
Have I mentioned how Chinese people speak (I mean yell) on their phones? Ok, so picture ten Chinese people (definitely including the driver) screaming into their phones at all times on a bus.
Almost all Chinese busses have radios. The bus wont have shocks or well functioning breaks, but it’ll have a radio AND loud ass speakers. Do you know what Chinese pop music sounds like? Like I said: waterboarding.
We’ve stopped offering our seats to old people and pregnant women. No one else does it and the person never accepts it anyway.
Babies. Peeing on the floor. On the bus. Everywhere.
And then there’s the constant Puking. But that’s everywhere in China.
Bus drivers drive me crazy. They’re always on their phone and driving super erratically (probably part of the reason why there’s always so many pukers on the bus). They also pull over to take breaks or buy lottery tickets and cigarettes whenever they feel like it too.
There is one thing about Chinese busses that I LOVE. When someone gets out of their seat to leave, a person that wants to sit down will stand near the empty seat and every ten seconds or so they will touch the seat with their hand (GROSS) and after a minute or so, they’ll sit down. I asked my friends why Chinese people always do this and it’s because they think that if they sit in a warm seat, they’ll get a disease so they have to wait until the seat has cooled off. Yeah, really. Seriously 100% of people believe this. The great thing about this is that it’s really easy to steal open seats. Nelly and I love to shove past the waiting crazy person (shoving is totally ok in china) and just sit down. No one has ever said anything to us because they think we didn’t know that they were just waiting for the diseases to disappear AND they don’t speak any English anyway. It’s awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most Chinese people don’t bathe everyday and NONE of them wash their clothes often enough or wear deodorant which makes the buss’s air almost unbearable on a hot day. It smells like urine, BO and rotting balls.
Chinese busses have 10 single seats in the front and 12 double seats in the back. Even though there are 12 seats in the back, you pretty much NEVER see more than 6 people sitting. Even on super crowded busses where there are 25 people crammed in and standing, NO ONE that has one of those double seats will let someone sit next to them. They always put their bag or jacket on the seat next to them and refuse to move it. WHY?!?!?!
Have I mentioned how Chinese people speak (I mean yell) on their phones? Ok, so picture ten Chinese people (definitely including the driver) screaming into their phones at all times on a bus.
Almost all Chinese busses have radios. The bus wont have shocks or well functioning breaks, but it’ll have a radio AND loud ass speakers. Do you know what Chinese pop music sounds like? Like I said: waterboarding.
We’ve stopped offering our seats to old people and pregnant women. No one else does it and the person never accepts it anyway.
Babies. Peeing on the floor. On the bus. Everywhere.
And then there’s the constant Puking. But that’s everywhere in China.
Bus drivers drive me crazy. They’re always on their phone and driving super erratically (probably part of the reason why there’s always so many pukers on the bus). They also pull over to take breaks or buy lottery tickets and cigarettes whenever they feel like it too.
There is one thing about Chinese busses that I LOVE. When someone gets out of their seat to leave, a person that wants to sit down will stand near the empty seat and every ten seconds or so they will touch the seat with their hand (GROSS) and after a minute or so, they’ll sit down. I asked my friends why Chinese people always do this and it’s because they think that if they sit in a warm seat, they’ll get a disease so they have to wait until the seat has cooled off. Yeah, really. Seriously 100% of people believe this. The great thing about this is that it’s really easy to steal open seats. Nelly and I love to shove past the waiting crazy person (shoving is totally ok in china) and just sit down. No one has ever said anything to us because they think we didn’t know that they were just waiting for the diseases to disappear AND they don’t speak any English anyway. It’s awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feb 17, 2010
Hilarious Chinese movie experience
We went to see Avatar (shown with Chinese subtitles) but I don’t remember anything about the movie. All I can remember is the noise.
“HWAY?! HWAY?! HWAAAAAAYYYYY?!!?!?!” I think that EVERY person in the theater must have gotten at least 319 phone calls (which they answered) during the movie. And then the babies – dear god. I’m wondering if you get a discount if you bring a crying baby with you into a theater because EVERYONE HAD ONE. Seriously, like everyone. I’ll be sure to bring one next time. “Hey ChingChangTongPing, can I borrow your screaming baby for a couple hours? I’m going to see a movie!”
Of couse all the men smelled like BO terribly and were chain smoking in the theater too.. Awesome. And each person apparently needed 10 bathroom visits. There was actually a huge restroom in the back of the movie theater!!! Which also meant that every time someone opened the door, the bright light messed up the movie.
So while taking care of their babies, reading their Chinese subtitles outloud, smoking, taking bathroom breaks and talking on their phone, people were SOMEHOW paying attention to the movie. I know this because of how the theater erupted with laughter several times during the movie. What were those parts? AVATAR SPOILER ALERT!! Lets see… when the bombs were going off and the tree was falling on people, when Sigourney Weaver died and during the kissing scene. What the f?!?!
“HWAY?! HWAY?! HWAAAAAAYYYYY?!!?!?!” I think that EVERY person in the theater must have gotten at least 319 phone calls (which they answered) during the movie. And then the babies – dear god. I’m wondering if you get a discount if you bring a crying baby with you into a theater because EVERYONE HAD ONE. Seriously, like everyone. I’ll be sure to bring one next time. “Hey ChingChangTongPing, can I borrow your screaming baby for a couple hours? I’m going to see a movie!”
Of couse all the men smelled like BO terribly and were chain smoking in the theater too.. Awesome. And each person apparently needed 10 bathroom visits. There was actually a huge restroom in the back of the movie theater!!! Which also meant that every time someone opened the door, the bright light messed up the movie.
So while taking care of their babies, reading their Chinese subtitles outloud, smoking, taking bathroom breaks and talking on their phone, people were SOMEHOW paying attention to the movie. I know this because of how the theater erupted with laughter several times during the movie. What were those parts? AVATAR SPOILER ALERT!! Lets see… when the bombs were going off and the tree was falling on people, when Sigourney Weaver died and during the kissing scene. What the f?!?!
Brittany would be a model parent in China
They only get to have one kid so you’d think they’d take care of it, right?
I’ve seen mothers feeding peanuts to their babies SO MANY TIMES. Never mind the terrible choking hazard, aren’t you supposed to wait until your child is a few years old to expose them to peanuts because of the deadly allergy possibility?!
Parents let their babies crawl around on the sidewalks in china. We constantly see them eating gross food off the street right in front of their parents. THIS IS WHY THEY ALL HAVE STEAL STOMACHS (and Hep A). If I was to eat something off a street in china, I’d die. No question.
We once saw a baby toddling onto an escalator. If Brandon hadn’t grabbed it, it definitely would have lost its little fingers.
When you’re holding a baby, you support their neck and hold their head, right? They’ve never heard of such a concept here and EVERYDAY we see babies with their little heads snapped all the way back or flopping from side to side and back and forth on a bus. It’s excruciating to watch.
Even super rich people don’t put their kids in car seats. They hold them while driving (while they smoke with the windows up).
Our students wear the exact same clothes to school every day. According to our TAs, our students are all rich kids whose parents can afford our school’s high prices. So why can’t they afford more than one ratty outfit for their kids?
I’d say that at least 1/5 of our students are dropped off for their classes at our school more than an hour early and are picked up at least an hour late. These poor kids live at a boarding school five days a week so they only get to be with their parents two f’ing days a week. So why the hell would you leave your kid at their Chinese lessons for longer than necessary?!?!?! Some of the kids are dripped off like three hours early AND picked up late!
I’ve seen mothers feeding peanuts to their babies SO MANY TIMES. Never mind the terrible choking hazard, aren’t you supposed to wait until your child is a few years old to expose them to peanuts because of the deadly allergy possibility?!
Parents let their babies crawl around on the sidewalks in china. We constantly see them eating gross food off the street right in front of their parents. THIS IS WHY THEY ALL HAVE STEAL STOMACHS (and Hep A). If I was to eat something off a street in china, I’d die. No question.
We once saw a baby toddling onto an escalator. If Brandon hadn’t grabbed it, it definitely would have lost its little fingers.
When you’re holding a baby, you support their neck and hold their head, right? They’ve never heard of such a concept here and EVERYDAY we see babies with their little heads snapped all the way back or flopping from side to side and back and forth on a bus. It’s excruciating to watch.
Even super rich people don’t put their kids in car seats. They hold them while driving (while they smoke with the windows up).
Our students wear the exact same clothes to school every day. According to our TAs, our students are all rich kids whose parents can afford our school’s high prices. So why can’t they afford more than one ratty outfit for their kids?
I’d say that at least 1/5 of our students are dropped off for their classes at our school more than an hour early and are picked up at least an hour late. These poor kids live at a boarding school five days a week so they only get to be with their parents two f’ing days a week. So why the hell would you leave your kid at their Chinese lessons for longer than necessary?!?!?! Some of the kids are dripped off like three hours early AND picked up late!
List of crazy stuff our Chinese friends say:
Melon (our favorite Chinese friend) was trying to say “SERVES HER RIGHT” but instead, she she announced “SERVICE HER RIGHT!!”
According to our Chinese friends, having sex makes a girl’s nipples turn brown. Apparently all virgins have pink nipples and “all married girls have brown nipples.” I guess this explains why there are nipple bleaching creams sold everywhere.
“what do you take me for? A foolish?” “Why do you treat me like a foolish?” –Melon
“BJ, BJ, BJ!!!!” Melon, our tiny, sweet, innocent friend started yelling “BJ!!!” over and over again on crowded street. We stopped from laughing long enough to ask her what she ment and she said that “BJ” meant “Bad Josh” and she was saying it because Josh was being mean to her.
Brandon, Nelly, Josh and I were stuffed into the back of a taxi and were FREAKING OUT because our driver had been driving THE WRONG WAY down a one-way highway for about six miles. The driver was swerving like crazy as we played chicken over and over again with semi trucks.
Melon: “Why you guys scared? He’s a good driver!”
Josh: “Yeah, he’s honking his horn and flashing his brights so there’s nothing to worry about”
Melon: “That’s right!”
Nelly and I were trying to think of pretty English names for my TA’s baby niece.. We came up with Emily, Cloe, Sarah, and Cassie when Margaret (our most retarded Chinese TA) butts in and says “Those aren’t real English names!!” Uhhhhhh, Nelly maybe a Russian and I may be a jew but I’m pretty sure we know what engish names are. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP….
Margaret: “How about TeePee?”
Mariel/Nelly: “WHAT?!”
Margaret: Like the letters: T P. It’s very beautiful girl name
Mariel/Nelly: TP, as in Toilet paper?! That’s what we call Toilet paper!!!
Margaret: “No it’s not!! Ok, well how about Doodoo or Kiki?
Mariel/Nelly: Oh my god!
Margaret: Or GoGo
Mariel: A GoGo is a place where you go to see naked dancers
Margaret: No it’s not!!! Ok, how about Apple? I think that’s the most beautiful English name
Mariel: That’s the name of a fruit, not a person’s name!! Would it be ok if my Chinese name was ShungGeow (Chinese for Banana)??
Margaret: That would be ridiculous. Seriously, Apple is a really good English name!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to our Chinese friends, having sex makes a girl’s nipples turn brown. Apparently all virgins have pink nipples and “all married girls have brown nipples.” I guess this explains why there are nipple bleaching creams sold everywhere.
“what do you take me for? A foolish?” “Why do you treat me like a foolish?” –Melon
“BJ, BJ, BJ!!!!” Melon, our tiny, sweet, innocent friend started yelling “BJ!!!” over and over again on crowded street. We stopped from laughing long enough to ask her what she ment and she said that “BJ” meant “Bad Josh” and she was saying it because Josh was being mean to her.
Brandon, Nelly, Josh and I were stuffed into the back of a taxi and were FREAKING OUT because our driver had been driving THE WRONG WAY down a one-way highway for about six miles. The driver was swerving like crazy as we played chicken over and over again with semi trucks.
Melon: “Why you guys scared? He’s a good driver!”
Josh: “Yeah, he’s honking his horn and flashing his brights so there’s nothing to worry about”
Melon: “That’s right!”
Nelly and I were trying to think of pretty English names for my TA’s baby niece.. We came up with Emily, Cloe, Sarah, and Cassie when Margaret (our most retarded Chinese TA) butts in and says “Those aren’t real English names!!” Uhhhhhh, Nelly maybe a Russian and I may be a jew but I’m pretty sure we know what engish names are. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP….
Margaret: “How about TeePee?”
Mariel/Nelly: “WHAT?!”
Margaret: Like the letters: T P. It’s very beautiful girl name
Mariel/Nelly: TP, as in Toilet paper?! That’s what we call Toilet paper!!!
Margaret: “No it’s not!! Ok, well how about Doodoo or Kiki?
Mariel/Nelly: Oh my god!
Margaret: Or GoGo
Mariel: A GoGo is a place where you go to see naked dancers
Margaret: No it’s not!!! Ok, how about Apple? I think that’s the most beautiful English name
Mariel: That’s the name of a fruit, not a person’s name!! Would it be ok if my Chinese name was ShungGeow (Chinese for Banana)??
Margaret: That would be ridiculous. Seriously, Apple is a really good English name!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh is a Jerk II
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain
As a result of my August post about Josh, I’m immensely proud to say that I’ve created quite a large “I hate Josh fanclub.” Unfortunately, my original intention for writing that entry still hasn’t been fulfilled: his parent’s haven’t read it yet!!! ….But I guess I don’t blame them for not loving him enough to read about how he’s doing.
EVEN if his parents don’t read this, I thought I’d catch up on just a few of his latest stories:
At school Josh told a bunch of kids that my name is rosie o’donnel and then had them call me that.
I’ve been trying to think of a fake name that I can use (for private tutoring which is against my contract) and I chose Lily. I had to choose a last name and Josh was nice enough to suggest Lily FattyMcFaterson.
Josh still nickel & dimes Nelly NON STOP! He even has started charging her for orgasms. Just the other day nelly had to buy josh breadsticks and ice cream to pay him back for two and a half.
Nelly bought some Chinese skinny-jeans that are nearly as thin as nylons and definitely as tight...
Josh: “You look like a hooker in those pants! They make your butt look like a planet or at least a large moon.” (Nelly is like a size 1)
Teresa: Are you talking about Nelly or Mariel?
Josh: HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! If I was talking about Mariel I definitely wouldn’t say large moon! I would say THE SUN!
Josh: “this is the widest door frame I’ve ever seen!! Mariel, even your butt can squeeze though!”
I learned that “Xiao JewJew” (which translates to “little piggy”) is a pet name that you’d call a Chinese girlfriend. When I heard that, I said that I wanted my new Chinese name to be Xiao JewJew. Of course, Josh said: “uhhhhh, you mean Da JewJew?” which means “big piggy.”
A few days later, five of us were in the back of a taxi and josh said: “It wouldn’t be so cramped if Da JewJew wasn’t taking up half of the seat.
Josh: “If Lisa had a big set of tits on her, I’d have sex with her. And if she said no, I’d rape her. Yeah – put that in your blog. I’d rape her.”
As a result of my August post about Josh, I’m immensely proud to say that I’ve created quite a large “I hate Josh fanclub.” Unfortunately, my original intention for writing that entry still hasn’t been fulfilled: his parent’s haven’t read it yet!!! ….But I guess I don’t blame them for not loving him enough to read about how he’s doing.
EVEN if his parents don’t read this, I thought I’d catch up on just a few of his latest stories:
At school Josh told a bunch of kids that my name is rosie o’donnel and then had them call me that.
I’ve been trying to think of a fake name that I can use (for private tutoring which is against my contract) and I chose Lily. I had to choose a last name and Josh was nice enough to suggest Lily FattyMcFaterson.
Josh still nickel & dimes Nelly NON STOP! He even has started charging her for orgasms. Just the other day nelly had to buy josh breadsticks and ice cream to pay him back for two and a half.
Nelly bought some Chinese skinny-jeans that are nearly as thin as nylons and definitely as tight...
Josh: “You look like a hooker in those pants! They make your butt look like a planet or at least a large moon.” (Nelly is like a size 1)
Teresa: Are you talking about Nelly or Mariel?
Josh: HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! If I was talking about Mariel I definitely wouldn’t say large moon! I would say THE SUN!
Josh: “this is the widest door frame I’ve ever seen!! Mariel, even your butt can squeeze though!”
I learned that “Xiao JewJew” (which translates to “little piggy”) is a pet name that you’d call a Chinese girlfriend. When I heard that, I said that I wanted my new Chinese name to be Xiao JewJew. Of course, Josh said: “uhhhhh, you mean Da JewJew?” which means “big piggy.”
A few days later, five of us were in the back of a taxi and josh said: “It wouldn’t be so cramped if Da JewJew wasn’t taking up half of the seat.
Josh: “If Lisa had a big set of tits on her, I’d have sex with her. And if she said no, I’d rape her. Yeah – put that in your blog. I’d rape her.”
Home again, home again
I went home to America for two weeks: the fastest two weeks of my life. I was totally in a daze as I went through American culture shock, visited my wonderful friends, ate LOADS of awesome food and soaked up weiner dog kisses. I’m still nostalgic about the whole trip!
So, when I went home I had only been out of the country for eight months but it really felt more like three years. Everything was freaking me out: the giant herds of WHITE people, blue sky, girls smoking cigarettes, blonde hair, smooth roads, sane driving, wheelchair access ramps, drinkable tap water, refrigerators that are bigger than 2 ½’ x 2’ – I haven’t seen any of these things FOR SO LONG! And more noticeable than anything… EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS SO CLEAN! I could go on and on and on. It’s shocking how literally every aspect of life is different in America vs China.
Things that I now FULLY APPRECIATE about America:
American men are staggeringly gorgeous. They’re three times the size of a Chinese guy, they brush their teeth, they don’t all smoke, they clip their nails, they wear deodorant, they know how to drive and they don’t have mullets
You can trust the things you buy to actually be what’s advertised. If you buy a six pack of Corona in China, it’s not going to be corona. It’ll be some nasty, Chinese rubbing alcohol in yellow water. The packaging will be real (they “recycled” the bottles) but the beer wont be real. Fakes are even sold at the the big grocery chains like Walmart here.
America has Mexican food, Italian food, Chinese food, Indian Food, American food, we have everything. In China, there’s Chinese food and then there’s Chinese food and then there’s McDonalds. That’s all you get.
No smoking in restaurants/elevators/bars
Most Americans know better than to blindly and unconditionally love and admire the government
And uhhhhhhhhhh…. HUMAN RIGHTS
Seriously, I love America so much now!! When I come back to America, I think I’m going to start driving a massive F350 covered with “GOD BLESS AMERICA” and “These colors don’t run” stickers. Maybe I’ll buy a gun and Sarah Palin’s book too!
So, when I went home I had only been out of the country for eight months but it really felt more like three years. Everything was freaking me out: the giant herds of WHITE people, blue sky, girls smoking cigarettes, blonde hair, smooth roads, sane driving, wheelchair access ramps, drinkable tap water, refrigerators that are bigger than 2 ½’ x 2’ – I haven’t seen any of these things FOR SO LONG! And more noticeable than anything… EVERYTHING IN AMERICA IS SO CLEAN! I could go on and on and on. It’s shocking how literally every aspect of life is different in America vs China.
Things that I now FULLY APPRECIATE about America:
American men are staggeringly gorgeous. They’re three times the size of a Chinese guy, they brush their teeth, they don’t all smoke, they clip their nails, they wear deodorant, they know how to drive and they don’t have mullets
You can trust the things you buy to actually be what’s advertised. If you buy a six pack of Corona in China, it’s not going to be corona. It’ll be some nasty, Chinese rubbing alcohol in yellow water. The packaging will be real (they “recycled” the bottles) but the beer wont be real. Fakes are even sold at the the big grocery chains like Walmart here.
America has Mexican food, Italian food, Chinese food, Indian Food, American food, we have everything. In China, there’s Chinese food and then there’s Chinese food and then there’s McDonalds. That’s all you get.
No smoking in restaurants/elevators/bars
Most Americans know better than to blindly and unconditionally love and admire the government
And uhhhhhhhhhh…. HUMAN RIGHTS
Seriously, I love America so much now!! When I come back to America, I think I’m going to start driving a massive F350 covered with “GOD BLESS AMERICA” and “These colors don’t run” stickers. Maybe I’ll buy a gun and Sarah Palin’s book too!
Dec 18, 2009
Here’s the thing about China....
There are no traffic laws. None. At. All.
While in a crowded restaurant, men have to smoke before, during and after their meal. They also smoke in crowded elevators and in hospital waiting rooms
Corn is in everything….. icecream, on pizza, in hamburgers
Everyone picks their nose in public. Men spit in public. Everywhere. And it’s not rude at all.
They spit on the floor of restaurants and on the buses.
Chinese drivers honk their horn CONSTANTLY. You can’t be near a street without hearing the constant sound of honking.
Guys grow their fingernails as long as possible.
Chinese people do a lot of home improvement projects in the middle of the night. Nearly every single day we’re woken up by hammering, drilling and jack hammering that lasts for an hour. It usually happens around 1:00am or 6:00/7:00am.
All the Chinese people that we know HAVE TO eat breakfast immediately after they wake up, lunch at exactly noon and dinner at exactly 5:00.
Chinese children pee and poop everywhere. They just squat down. ..on the bus, in the grocery store, everywhere outside – it’s crazy
If you ask a Chinese person about SARS, they’ll tell you that it’s the foreigners’ faults
Chinese fashion is a constant source of entertainment. It’s beyond Tacky. Girls AND GUYS love cloths that are covered in a combination of sequins, rhinestones, giant bows and glued-on stuffed animals. Girls wear super, super, super short skirts but NEVER show even a tiny bit of cleavage. I see butt cheeks (covered in granny panties) every day but I’ve never seen a skin below a girl’s neck. Girls also like wearing socks OVER their panty hose while wearing high heals. And guys always wear white socks with their black/blue suits. At the beach, women wear giant, saggy, one piece swimsuites from the 1940's while men wear tight speedos
The pollution is way worse than you're imagining. I have black buggers every day (which I do pick and show to brandon). It's so bad that we have to hang our laundry inside (no dryers) rather than outside because after 12 hours of hanging outside, it's dirtier than before it was washed!!
While in a crowded restaurant, men have to smoke before, during and after their meal. They also smoke in crowded elevators and in hospital waiting rooms
Corn is in everything….. icecream, on pizza, in hamburgers
Everyone picks their nose in public. Men spit in public. Everywhere. And it’s not rude at all.
They spit on the floor of restaurants and on the buses.
Chinese drivers honk their horn CONSTANTLY. You can’t be near a street without hearing the constant sound of honking.
Guys grow their fingernails as long as possible.
Chinese people do a lot of home improvement projects in the middle of the night. Nearly every single day we’re woken up by hammering, drilling and jack hammering that lasts for an hour. It usually happens around 1:00am or 6:00/7:00am.
All the Chinese people that we know HAVE TO eat breakfast immediately after they wake up, lunch at exactly noon and dinner at exactly 5:00.
Chinese children pee and poop everywhere. They just squat down. ..on the bus, in the grocery store, everywhere outside – it’s crazy
If you ask a Chinese person about SARS, they’ll tell you that it’s the foreigners’ faults
Chinese fashion is a constant source of entertainment. It’s beyond Tacky. Girls AND GUYS love cloths that are covered in a combination of sequins, rhinestones, giant bows and glued-on stuffed animals. Girls wear super, super, super short skirts but NEVER show even a tiny bit of cleavage. I see butt cheeks (covered in granny panties) every day but I’ve never seen a skin below a girl’s neck. Girls also like wearing socks OVER their panty hose while wearing high heals. And guys always wear white socks with their black/blue suits. At the beach, women wear giant, saggy, one piece swimsuites from the 1940's while men wear tight speedos
The pollution is way worse than you're imagining. I have black buggers every day (which I do pick and show to brandon). It's so bad that we have to hang our laundry inside (no dryers) rather than outside because after 12 hours of hanging outside, it's dirtier than before it was washed!!
Dec 17, 2009
Top 10 reasons why I’d rather die than be a Chinese girl:
Let me start by saying that I truely love all my Chinese friends DEARLY (but I would still rather die than be them)
1) When Chinese girls are on their periods, (and for a few days after), they can’t wash their hair. Yeah. “If you EVER wash your hair during that WEEK, you will get migraine headaches (or cancer) after you turn 50 years old.” One of the girls at work told us this – we checked with all the other girls and some students and it’s TRUE. They’re so on crack. So, WHY DO THEY BELIEVE THIS?!?! Apparently, “EVERY doctor will tell you that it’s true.”
2) Chinese girls are all “waiting for marriage.”
I work with six girls that are not married. They’re all between the ages of 21 and 35 and yeah, they’re all virgins. And they’re not like America’s dirty, slutty “virgins.” Only two of them have ever even kissed a boy.
Boys on the other hand, are expected to do it before marriage. The girls at my school tell me that boys go to see prostitutes all the time before they’re married (and during, but I’ll get to that later) and it’s “not that bad.”
3) If you don’t get pregnant by the time you’re 30 years old, you’re going to get cancer.
I told you; Chinese doctors are on crack.
4) In my opinion, Chinese girls are generally really, really pretty. They’re all super skinny (Ivy: “only BAD girls weigh more than 50K (110 lbs)”) and have really lovely dark eyes and perfect skin. And, they’re SUPER SWEET. They’re all like perfect catholic school girls, but better…….Which is why IT’S NOT FAIR THAT THEY HAVE TO MARRY SUCH NASTY GUYS!! I’m sorry, but I think I’d rather die than marry a Chinese boy. Why:
Chinese men think it’s cool and lucky to grow really, really long fingernails. Have you seen the last X-Men movie with Sabertooth? …that’s what guys’ nails look like. Yellow/brown, crusty, gross
Moles: they’re cool. Hairy moles: even cooler. Men are super proud of their moles and always have three inch long hairs coming out of them. And then they play with their mole-hair with their nasty fingernails.
They ALL smoke. Ok, technically only 75-85% but it seems like 99%. And they smoke indoors, especially in homes. In China, smoking is good for your health (doctors on crack) and second hand smoke, although “unpleasant” does not hurt anyone. So, that means that men smoke while in bed and in rooms without ventilation while holding their baby.
Due to the smoking, they all have gross yellow teeth. Their teeth are going to be gross anyway (braces, although affordable, are not important and most people don’t brush their teeth) but the smoking makes them soooo much grosser.
They cheat. They all cheat on their wives – I’ll explain why it’s “OK” later.
Chinese men expect oral sex but they don’t “return the favor.” The one married girl at our school told us that her husband has never gone down on her because he says that her “Virginia (yeah, like the state) smells bad.” We told her to buy soap for the first time in her life.
I’m sorry, but they’re ugly. They’re all 5’2” and are gangly-skinny but also somehow flabby at the same time. But now I’m just being mean! HAHAHAAA!!!
5) The biggest reason why I’d rather die than be a Chinese girl: THEY DON’T WEAR TAMPONS. Pads. Only pads. I can’t even tell you how gross Nelly and I think this is.
…what we’re imagining… it’s 95 degrees/90% humidity (because that’s normal in our city) and you’re super sweaty. You have a bush the size of a dinner plate (GIRLS IN CHINA DON’T SHAVE) and you’re on your period. Extreme heat plus hairiest vaginas on the planet plus blood
6) When a Chinese girl finds out that she’s pregnant, she and her husband need to stop having “man-love” (man love is what they call sex) for ONE YEAR. If they have sex even once during the pregnancy, the baby will be in danger.
Nelly spent an hour showing the girls information online showing that it’s safe to have sex THE ENTIRE nine months but the girls don’t believe it. They tell us that we can “ask any doctor in the country.” Crack.
7) So, since a pregnant woman can’t have sex for a full year, it’s totally ok for men to see prostitutes for that year. I’m not kidding. The girls think its ok.
8) Only “bad girls” drink alcohol, which means that girls never, ever drink. Tragic
9) Chinese girls don’t shave anything. A FEW shave their legs but NONE OF THEM shave their armpits or their v’s. We obviously knew about the hairy legs/arm pits because we see them EVERYDAY but once Nelly and I once walked into a gym locker room after an aerobics class ended and – well, ….we’ll never look at a Chinese girl the same EVER AGAIN. We didn’t know a bush could be so big…. they’re like afros…. And their nipples – oh my god. Did you know that Chinese girls’ nipples are an inch long?!?! They could poke an eye out. I had NO IDEA. Anyways, we ran out, hugged and cried and cried and cried
10) Chinese girls don’t usually drive cars (but this is actually a good thing because we all know the stereotype) . All of the girls that we work with have never driven a car and are sure that they never will. Their dads and future husbands will drive them anywhere they need to go. Dependency is fun.
1) When Chinese girls are on their periods, (and for a few days after), they can’t wash their hair. Yeah. “If you EVER wash your hair during that WEEK, you will get migraine headaches (or cancer) after you turn 50 years old.” One of the girls at work told us this – we checked with all the other girls and some students and it’s TRUE. They’re so on crack. So, WHY DO THEY BELIEVE THIS?!?! Apparently, “EVERY doctor will tell you that it’s true.”
2) Chinese girls are all “waiting for marriage.”
I work with six girls that are not married. They’re all between the ages of 21 and 35 and yeah, they’re all virgins. And they’re not like America’s dirty, slutty “virgins.” Only two of them have ever even kissed a boy.
Boys on the other hand, are expected to do it before marriage. The girls at my school tell me that boys go to see prostitutes all the time before they’re married (and during, but I’ll get to that later) and it’s “not that bad.”
3) If you don’t get pregnant by the time you’re 30 years old, you’re going to get cancer.
I told you; Chinese doctors are on crack.
4) In my opinion, Chinese girls are generally really, really pretty. They’re all super skinny (Ivy: “only BAD girls weigh more than 50K (110 lbs)”) and have really lovely dark eyes and perfect skin. And, they’re SUPER SWEET. They’re all like perfect catholic school girls, but better…….Which is why IT’S NOT FAIR THAT THEY HAVE TO MARRY SUCH NASTY GUYS!! I’m sorry, but I think I’d rather die than marry a Chinese boy. Why:
Chinese men think it’s cool and lucky to grow really, really long fingernails. Have you seen the last X-Men movie with Sabertooth? …that’s what guys’ nails look like. Yellow/brown, crusty, gross
Moles: they’re cool. Hairy moles: even cooler. Men are super proud of their moles and always have three inch long hairs coming out of them. And then they play with their mole-hair with their nasty fingernails.
They ALL smoke. Ok, technically only 75-85% but it seems like 99%. And they smoke indoors, especially in homes. In China, smoking is good for your health (doctors on crack) and second hand smoke, although “unpleasant” does not hurt anyone. So, that means that men smoke while in bed and in rooms without ventilation while holding their baby.
Due to the smoking, they all have gross yellow teeth. Their teeth are going to be gross anyway (braces, although affordable, are not important and most people don’t brush their teeth) but the smoking makes them soooo much grosser.
They cheat. They all cheat on their wives – I’ll explain why it’s “OK” later.
Chinese men expect oral sex but they don’t “return the favor.” The one married girl at our school told us that her husband has never gone down on her because he says that her “Virginia (yeah, like the state) smells bad.” We told her to buy soap for the first time in her life.
I’m sorry, but they’re ugly. They’re all 5’2” and are gangly-skinny but also somehow flabby at the same time. But now I’m just being mean! HAHAHAAA!!!
5) The biggest reason why I’d rather die than be a Chinese girl: THEY DON’T WEAR TAMPONS. Pads. Only pads. I can’t even tell you how gross Nelly and I think this is.
…what we’re imagining… it’s 95 degrees/90% humidity (because that’s normal in our city) and you’re super sweaty. You have a bush the size of a dinner plate (GIRLS IN CHINA DON’T SHAVE) and you’re on your period. Extreme heat plus hairiest vaginas on the planet plus blood
6) When a Chinese girl finds out that she’s pregnant, she and her husband need to stop having “man-love” (man love is what they call sex) for ONE YEAR. If they have sex even once during the pregnancy, the baby will be in danger.
Nelly spent an hour showing the girls information online showing that it’s safe to have sex THE ENTIRE nine months but the girls don’t believe it. They tell us that we can “ask any doctor in the country.” Crack.
7) So, since a pregnant woman can’t have sex for a full year, it’s totally ok for men to see prostitutes for that year. I’m not kidding. The girls think its ok.
8) Only “bad girls” drink alcohol, which means that girls never, ever drink. Tragic
9) Chinese girls don’t shave anything. A FEW shave their legs but NONE OF THEM shave their armpits or their v’s. We obviously knew about the hairy legs/arm pits because we see them EVERYDAY but once Nelly and I once walked into a gym locker room after an aerobics class ended and – well, ….we’ll never look at a Chinese girl the same EVER AGAIN. We didn’t know a bush could be so big…. they’re like afros…. And their nipples – oh my god. Did you know that Chinese girls’ nipples are an inch long?!?! They could poke an eye out. I had NO IDEA. Anyways, we ran out, hugged and cried and cried and cried
10) Chinese girls don’t usually drive cars (but this is actually a good thing because we all know the stereotype) . All of the girls that we work with have never driven a car and are sure that they never will. Their dads and future husbands will drive them anywhere they need to go. Dependency is fun.
some of my more stranger health problems in China
This is really embarrassing and disgusting: I got a weird, blotchy, red rash all around my eyes. It looked like I was wearing a pink mask. When I freaked out and showed the girls at school, they told me it was because I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I said, NO it’s because I touched something that a nasty person who hadn’t washed their hands for the past thirty years had touched and then I was stupid enough to touch my face. They laughed at me and told me that I just need more sleep.
This is ALSO gross and embarrassing: one morning all four of us woke up and saw that the skin on our hands was peeling – big time! It looked like we had terrible sunburns on the palms of our hands and that they were peeling. It was so gross – the skin just kept sluffing (I HATE THAT WORD) off. I guess we most have touched some terrible chemical and had a reaction – it was so weird!
I once woke up with a super-puffy eye. It was almost swollen shut. It looked exactly like I had been punched in the eye but without the black/blue color. It didn’t hurt, it wasn’t red and there was no pink-eye grossness. Anyway, I panicked because I had no idea what was wrong with me. I ran downstairs and asked all of my Chinese friends what it could be. “Ahhhh, you’ve been drinking too much water!” Yup, they were all 100% sure that one of your eyes will swell up if you drink too much water. Great. They insisted on taking me to a doctor but I refused because I know that the treatment would be something like: drink two cups of ground up chicken toe nails and frog brain paste, mixed with donkey blood and cat placenta.
It ended up that it was a bug bite. The bite itself was so swollen that I couldn’t tell that it was a bite until it got itchy and the swelling started going down. And thank Buddha that it did go down!! Brandon was looking for a new, non-deformed girlfriend and Josh was screaming Quasimodo at me constantly.
This is ALSO gross and embarrassing: one morning all four of us woke up and saw that the skin on our hands was peeling – big time! It looked like we had terrible sunburns on the palms of our hands and that they were peeling. It was so gross – the skin just kept sluffing (I HATE THAT WORD) off. I guess we most have touched some terrible chemical and had a reaction – it was so weird!
I once woke up with a super-puffy eye. It was almost swollen shut. It looked exactly like I had been punched in the eye but without the black/blue color. It didn’t hurt, it wasn’t red and there was no pink-eye grossness. Anyway, I panicked because I had no idea what was wrong with me. I ran downstairs and asked all of my Chinese friends what it could be. “Ahhhh, you’ve been drinking too much water!” Yup, they were all 100% sure that one of your eyes will swell up if you drink too much water. Great. They insisted on taking me to a doctor but I refused because I know that the treatment would be something like: drink two cups of ground up chicken toe nails and frog brain paste, mixed with donkey blood and cat placenta.
It ended up that it was a bug bite. The bite itself was so swollen that I couldn’t tell that it was a bite until it got itchy and the swelling started going down. And thank Buddha that it did go down!! Brandon was looking for a new, non-deformed girlfriend and Josh was screaming Quasimodo at me constantly.
Chinese Medical Advice
If you start to get a cold or have ANYTHING wrong with you: no matter how minor, it’s very important that you go directly to a hospital (they don’t have doctor’s offices – just hospitals). I’ve known my friend Nicole for three months and in those three months she has been to the hospital five times. This is completely normal. All of our friends visit the hospital at least once a month.
When a girl is on her period, she CANNOT wash her hair for any reason. If she does, she will get a range of health problems after she turns 50 years old. If she only washed her hair a few times when she was young and on her period, she will only get migraine headaches. If she washed her hair often, she will get cancer. ALL of our Chinese friends believe this.
If a woman doesn’t get pregnant by 30 years old, she will get cancer.
Oranges are junk food. They’re not good for your health and you should avoid them. Orange juice is even worse than pop.
Eating peanuts will make a man’s penis smaller
This is my favorite: If you sleep with your socks on, you will get a cold or the flu or have more serious health problems.
If you go to sleep with wet hair, you will experience a range of problems later in life. You will have bad eye sight, headaches and “brain problems.”
Standing next to a copy machine is very dangerous for your health.
When a girl is on her period, she CANNOT wash her hair for any reason. If she does, she will get a range of health problems after she turns 50 years old. If she only washed her hair a few times when she was young and on her period, she will only get migraine headaches. If she washed her hair often, she will get cancer. ALL of our Chinese friends believe this.
If a woman doesn’t get pregnant by 30 years old, she will get cancer.
Oranges are junk food. They’re not good for your health and you should avoid them. Orange juice is even worse than pop.
Eating peanuts will make a man’s penis smaller
This is my favorite: If you sleep with your socks on, you will get a cold or the flu or have more serious health problems.
If you go to sleep with wet hair, you will experience a range of problems later in life. You will have bad eye sight, headaches and “brain problems.”
Standing next to a copy machine is very dangerous for your health.
Where are all the disabled people???
We’ve been in SE Asia for almost eight months and between the four of us, we’ve seen three disabled people. We’ve seen one woman in a wheel chair sitting outside her house in Phuket, and two down syndrome babies here in China. And that’s it.
Since there are ZERO wheelchair accessible buildings/stores/anything, we’re guessing that people in wheel chairs must just have to live at home. But then what about people with mental disabilities? We hang out in Guangzhou (a huge city with over 10,000,000 people) at least once a week and we’ve never seen a single disabled person. Do they kill them when they’re babies?????
As usual, I asked my Chinese friends (who are finally getting used to my offensive questions about their culture) and they said that Chinese people are much more healthy than Westerners so they rarely have disabled babies. So there you have it!! There are no disabled children born in a county that has the worst air/water pollution in the entire world, where there’s Lead in EVERYTHING, 75%-85% of men smoke in their homes while their wives are pregnant, and their food has off the charts levels of pesticides. Cool.
Since there are ZERO wheelchair accessible buildings/stores/anything, we’re guessing that people in wheel chairs must just have to live at home. But then what about people with mental disabilities? We hang out in Guangzhou (a huge city with over 10,000,000 people) at least once a week and we’ve never seen a single disabled person. Do they kill them when they’re babies?????
As usual, I asked my Chinese friends (who are finally getting used to my offensive questions about their culture) and they said that Chinese people are much more healthy than Westerners so they rarely have disabled babies. So there you have it!! There are no disabled children born in a county that has the worst air/water pollution in the entire world, where there’s Lead in EVERYTHING, 75%-85% of men smoke in their homes while their wives are pregnant, and their food has off the charts levels of pesticides. Cool.
I'm Pro-Life???
They eat babies in China.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I thought it was a racist urban legend too. It’s not. Trust me. The Chinese people that we work with (and our adult students) are very willing to discuss “baby-eating” and are actually the ones that usually bring up the topic because of how funny they think our reactions are.
Here’s why our friends and students think eating babies is a good thing:
-The babies are unwanted by the mother
-The mother (who is commonly single) can make an obscene amount of money. If her baby is alive and healthy, she can get up to 1,000,000 rmb ($144,000 usd). Do you know how much money that is in China?!?! It’s beyond wealthy. BUT, apparently, most babies sell for a small fraction of this price.
-If you eat babies, you won’t get old and wrinkled. And, eating babies makes you have a strong libido.
Here’s the good news: most Chinese people cannot afford to buy live babies to eat. So, they purchase aborted fetuses from hospitals and they settle for just placentas.
Bad news: There are most definitely people that can afford live babies. From what we’ve heard, it’s 100% legal and doctors support the practice because they think it’s good for your body and because the purchaser and mother are supposed to give the doctor a “cut” of the payment. In fact, the way that most babies are sold is that the doctor arranges the whole deal including dropping off the baby to the purchasers.
Apparently it’s best to eat a baby that’s 1-3 days old so it’s a little bigger than a newborn. This means the purchasers keep it alive and feed it for a couple days. Then, it’s very important that the baby be killed by placing it into boiling water. Why? Because APPARENTLY there’s a chemical that is released in bodies of people that are boiled alive that has health benefits for the people consuming the “meat.” So then, that water and baby are used to make “a lot of soup.”
So, obviously, I think this is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard of. So its been really strange being on the other side of of a pro-life argument. Because, that’s exactly what Chinese people think this is about – they think that killing/eating live babies is exactly the same an abortion. I’ve always been 100% pro-choice and I think that waaaaaay more people should be having abortions: BUT not this kind of “abortion!” Anyways, moving on, the good news is that baby eating isn’t too widespread in China. It’s mostly within the Gungdong province and surrounding areas.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I thought it was a racist urban legend too. It’s not. Trust me. The Chinese people that we work with (and our adult students) are very willing to discuss “baby-eating” and are actually the ones that usually bring up the topic because of how funny they think our reactions are.
Here’s why our friends and students think eating babies is a good thing:
-The babies are unwanted by the mother
-The mother (who is commonly single) can make an obscene amount of money. If her baby is alive and healthy, she can get up to 1,000,000 rmb ($144,000 usd). Do you know how much money that is in China?!?! It’s beyond wealthy. BUT, apparently, most babies sell for a small fraction of this price.
-If you eat babies, you won’t get old and wrinkled. And, eating babies makes you have a strong libido.
Here’s the good news: most Chinese people cannot afford to buy live babies to eat. So, they purchase aborted fetuses from hospitals and they settle for just placentas.
Bad news: There are most definitely people that can afford live babies. From what we’ve heard, it’s 100% legal and doctors support the practice because they think it’s good for your body and because the purchaser and mother are supposed to give the doctor a “cut” of the payment. In fact, the way that most babies are sold is that the doctor arranges the whole deal including dropping off the baby to the purchasers.
Apparently it’s best to eat a baby that’s 1-3 days old so it’s a little bigger than a newborn. This means the purchasers keep it alive and feed it for a couple days. Then, it’s very important that the baby be killed by placing it into boiling water. Why? Because APPARENTLY there’s a chemical that is released in bodies of people that are boiled alive that has health benefits for the people consuming the “meat.” So then, that water and baby are used to make “a lot of soup.”
So, obviously, I think this is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard of. So its been really strange being on the other side of of a pro-life argument. Because, that’s exactly what Chinese people think this is about – they think that killing/eating live babies is exactly the same an abortion. I’ve always been 100% pro-choice and I think that waaaaaay more people should be having abortions: BUT not this kind of “abortion!” Anyways, moving on, the good news is that baby eating isn’t too widespread in China. It’s mostly within the Gungdong province and surrounding areas.
Sep 28, 2009
Our lovely apartment
The four of us spent over ten hours cleaning the apartment that our school gave us.
I'm still completely livid about the situation. All I'll say is that Chinese people have very, very different clenliness standards than we do.
Yeah, we were left with a gazzilion dirty dishes. But these dishes weren't in the sink when we moved in. They were in the cupboards - totally filthy and covered with grease and dead bugs.
The floors were shockingly bad. I swear, this photo doesn't capture how bad it reall was
The top of our microwave
I know what you're thinking, why didn't you pay a chinese cleaning lady two-dollars an hour to clean this? WE TRIED!! The bitch did a completely pathetic job - she literally was doing nothing (NOTHING) and refused to use the cleaning supplies that be bought. We showed her how to scrub the floors with a scrub-brush and SHE REFUSED. We had her leave.
I'm still completely livid about the situation. All I'll say is that Chinese people have very, very different clenliness standards than we do.
Yeah, we were left with a gazzilion dirty dishes. But these dishes weren't in the sink when we moved in. They were in the cupboards - totally filthy and covered with grease and dead bugs.
The floors were shockingly bad. I swear, this photo doesn't capture how bad it reall was
The top of our microwave
I know what you're thinking, why didn't you pay a chinese cleaning lady two-dollars an hour to clean this? WE TRIED!! The bitch did a completely pathetic job - she literally was doing nothing (NOTHING) and refused to use the cleaning supplies that be bought. We showed her how to scrub the floors with a scrub-brush and SHE REFUSED. We had her leave.
How can someone so small smell that bad?
I’m getting less and less intimidated by these girls
Chinese girls are obviously gorgeous. They’re perfectly thin, have amazing skin, beautiful thick hair and stunning brown eyes. But…. they stink. And, they’re hairy.
It's rare to see a Chinese girl that shaves her legs in our city. It’s so weird to look down at the legs of a super hot Chinese girl and see inch-long leg hair. And armpits – they don’t shave those either, which makes Nelly and I hypothesize that these girls don’t shave in other places either.
And their voices…. To think I used to think that my sorority was annoying! HA! Now those bitches seem like sedated executives during a board meeting. I admit, Chinese girls don’t sound quite as much like screaming-hyenas as Thai girls, but it’s still god-awful. We’re absolutely sure that they’re unable to communicate with each other without GIGGLING HISTARICALLY between every sentence. Half the high piched sounds they use are probably only detected by dogs. What’s that? You think that I’m describing pre-teen Chinese girls? No –I’m talking about the girls at the bars and the 24-30 year olds that I work with!!!
It’s really, really hot in the gungadong provence. I mean, really hot. Like 95 degrees hot. And Chinese people (girls too) don’t wear deodorant. They stink, and not just a little. We’ve all stopped teasing Nelly about Russians being stinky. Now we stereotype all Chinese people as smelling terrible – BECAUSE THEY DO!!!!!!!!
Chinese girls are obviously gorgeous. They’re perfectly thin, have amazing skin, beautiful thick hair and stunning brown eyes. But…. they stink. And, they’re hairy.
It's rare to see a Chinese girl that shaves her legs in our city. It’s so weird to look down at the legs of a super hot Chinese girl and see inch-long leg hair. And armpits – they don’t shave those either, which makes Nelly and I hypothesize that these girls don’t shave in other places either.
And their voices…. To think I used to think that my sorority was annoying! HA! Now those bitches seem like sedated executives during a board meeting. I admit, Chinese girls don’t sound quite as much like screaming-hyenas as Thai girls, but it’s still god-awful. We’re absolutely sure that they’re unable to communicate with each other without GIGGLING HISTARICALLY between every sentence. Half the high piched sounds they use are probably only detected by dogs. What’s that? You think that I’m describing pre-teen Chinese girls? No –I’m talking about the girls at the bars and the 24-30 year olds that I work with!!!
It’s really, really hot in the gungadong provence. I mean, really hot. Like 95 degrees hot. And Chinese people (girls too) don’t wear deodorant. They stink, and not just a little. We’ve all stopped teasing Nelly about Russians being stinky. Now we stereotype all Chinese people as smelling terrible – BECAUSE THEY DO!!!!!!!!
$@!# &*% CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
China, FOR WHATEVER REASON has blocked facebook AND youtube AND blogspot AND Huffington Post. Our new friend, Albert, got us a proxy that worked three times and is now completely useless. Until yesterday, it had literally been three weeks since I’ve used facebook BUT I still try the proxy every single day!! Addictions take a long time to get over…
I’m in Macau right now so that’s the only reason that I’m able to post this entry.
So, like I was saying, China blocks everything on the internet. Can you believe that they’ve blocked Wikipedia’s “China” page?! I can look at other countries’ pages, but not China’s. WTF!!! Thank god China hasn’t blocked all of Wikipedia – I’d literally …… I don’t even know….. fuck. And of course, if you google “tiananmen square,” EVERYTHING is blocked. Tibet too.
China, FOR WHATEVER REASON has blocked facebook AND youtube AND blogspot AND Huffington Post. Our new friend, Albert, got us a proxy that worked three times and is now completely useless. Until yesterday, it had literally been three weeks since I’ve used facebook BUT I still try the proxy every single day!! Addictions take a long time to get over…
I’m in Macau right now so that’s the only reason that I’m able to post this entry.
So, like I was saying, China blocks everything on the internet. Can you believe that they’ve blocked Wikipedia’s “China” page?! I can look at other countries’ pages, but not China’s. WTF!!! Thank god China hasn’t blocked all of Wikipedia – I’d literally …… I don’t even know….. fuck. And of course, if you google “tiananmen square,” EVERYTHING is blocked. Tibet too.
Naming future world leaders
This is way too much responsibility for me!!
Most Chinese people (well, actually all ASIAN people) have an “English name” that they use when talking to whities that are too lazy to learn how to pronounce a name in Chinese. Thai people chose their own English names so they ALL end up with retarded names like, “Car,” “Milk,” “Beer,” ”Mint.” Chinese people aren’t totally morons and they have a real, live, western person give them their name. Chinese people actually consider it very important to have REAL, legitimate-sounding English names.
So far, these are my favorite names that I’ve used. PLEASE let me know if you have any great suggestions.
Mark
James
Daniel
Lily
Cassie
Nelly and I want to “name” a kid McLovin SO BAD. But we’ve refrained – so far.
Most Chinese people (well, actually all ASIAN people) have an “English name” that they use when talking to whities that are too lazy to learn how to pronounce a name in Chinese. Thai people chose their own English names so they ALL end up with retarded names like, “Car,” “Milk,” “Beer,” ”Mint.” Chinese people aren’t totally morons and they have a real, live, western person give them their name. Chinese people actually consider it very important to have REAL, legitimate-sounding English names.
So far, these are my favorite names that I’ve used. PLEASE let me know if you have any great suggestions.
Mark
James
Daniel
Lily
Cassie
Nelly and I want to “name” a kid McLovin SO BAD. But we’ve refrained – so far.
Mei Guanxi… I mean may guan chee, I mean… fuck.
September 16th, 2009
We just had our first Chinese lesson today. Oh. My. God. I feel like I should just give up now. I can only get two out of the five tones right and pinyin………….. this is going to be a long ten months.
On a less depressing note, my boss just gave me my Chinese name today. I’m so excited!!!!! It’s Ma Lei (“Ma Lee”). It’s really pretty and I can actually pronounce it!!
We just had our first Chinese lesson today. Oh. My. God. I feel like I should just give up now. I can only get two out of the five tones right and pinyin………….. this is going to be a long ten months.
On a less depressing note, my boss just gave me my Chinese name today. I’m so excited!!!!! It’s Ma Lei (“Ma Lee”). It’s really pretty and I can actually pronounce it!!
"What did you say? I don’t speak sputnik.”
Josh and I get into an argument at a minimum of five times a day. Whereas Brandon and Nelly’s fights only happen once a month, IF WE’RE LUCKY! And when they do…. Oh my god – we just die laughing!!! There's so many more funny lines but this is all Josh and I can remember....
B: “Why don’t you drive your own ass home? Oh wait, you don’t have a car. And if you did, it wouldn’t have a title”
N: What’s that? I can’t hear what you’re saying through your lisp!
B: Like I care what you think!!!! You can’t even speak English! I have a bigger IQ than you, I have more money than you…… but you know what I don’t have more of? Zits. Exactly how many zits do you have on your face?? Why don’t you eat some potatos and cabbage.
N: Whatever! I’m fine with being Russian because it means that I’m skinny UNLIKE AMERICANS!! Do you want another hamburger?
B: Go have some vodka!
N: Do you want some fries?
B: Why don’t you go date your rich ex-boyfriends again. He gave you his credit card and look, you have nothing to show for it!! Why? It’s called fiscal responsibility. You have none!!
N: And you do? What the hell do you have?
B: A college education!!
N: And what did that get you?? A job at a car dealership?
B: Yeah, and a Multiple Entry Visa. (Nelly can’t get a multiple entry visa because she doesn’t have a degree)
N: What’s that? I can’t hear past the stds on your face!
B: What’s that? I can’t hear past the acne on your face. You know, when you get those bumps on your crotch, it’s not called acne, it’s called herpes.
N: At least I can see my crotch!! When was the last time you could see past your stomach?!?
B: “Why don’t you drive your own ass home? Oh wait, you don’t have a car. And if you did, it wouldn’t have a title”
N: What’s that? I can’t hear what you’re saying through your lisp!
B: Like I care what you think!!!! You can’t even speak English! I have a bigger IQ than you, I have more money than you…… but you know what I don’t have more of? Zits. Exactly how many zits do you have on your face?? Why don’t you eat some potatos and cabbage.
N: Whatever! I’m fine with being Russian because it means that I’m skinny UNLIKE AMERICANS!! Do you want another hamburger?
B: Go have some vodka!
N: Do you want some fries?
B: Why don’t you go date your rich ex-boyfriends again. He gave you his credit card and look, you have nothing to show for it!! Why? It’s called fiscal responsibility. You have none!!
N: And you do? What the hell do you have?
B: A college education!!
N: And what did that get you?? A job at a car dealership?
B: Yeah, and a Multiple Entry Visa. (Nelly can’t get a multiple entry visa because she doesn’t have a degree)
N: What’s that? I can’t hear past the stds on your face!
B: What’s that? I can’t hear past the acne on your face. You know, when you get those bumps on your crotch, it’s not called acne, it’s called herpes.
N: At least I can see my crotch!! When was the last time you could see past your stomach?!?
Sep 27, 2009
Smoking is cool!!
September 8th, 2009
Tomorrow is my first day teaching in China. My students are 2-8 years old (I KNOW!!) and I have to give each of them a work book that has multiple pictures that show cartoon characters smoking.
In China, cigarettes are cool. Really, really, really cool. Avoiding cigarette smoke outside of my apartment is impossible. Men light-up in packed elevators, taxi drivers smoke while they drive, people smoke on the bus, in the mall, in grocery stores and of course, in every single restaurant. I honestly don’t think that Chinese men are capable of having a meal without simultaneously sucking on a cigarette. You’d think you’d be safe from smoke in a doctor’s office or hospital, right? Nope! Smoking is allowed there too. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to the BBC, three quarters of all Chinese men are smokers. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a huge understatement. I’ve asked the Chinese girls at my school about this statistic. They agree with me that ALL men in China are smokers. In fact, they were beyond shocked when Brandon and Josh told them that they never smoke.
China is the world's largest tobacco producer and consumer. And why not? Did you know that cigarettes aren’t bad for you?!?! Surveys show that 2/3 of Chinese people think smoking does little or no harm, 60% think it does not cause lung cancer and 96% do not know that it causes heart disease. Sounds good, right? It gets better: Chinese cigarettes are cheap. The average pack costs 30-50 cents (usd).
There is some good news: women don’t smoke! According to the BBC, only 4% of Chinese women are smokers. Apparently smoking is considered “slutty” and is “only something that bad girls do.” Sweet! I like this double standard!
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06123/686910-294.stm#ixzz0QfaRY1Oh
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/216998.stm
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/159290.php
Tomorrow is my first day teaching in China. My students are 2-8 years old (I KNOW!!) and I have to give each of them a work book that has multiple pictures that show cartoon characters smoking.
In China, cigarettes are cool. Really, really, really cool. Avoiding cigarette smoke outside of my apartment is impossible. Men light-up in packed elevators, taxi drivers smoke while they drive, people smoke on the bus, in the mall, in grocery stores and of course, in every single restaurant. I honestly don’t think that Chinese men are capable of having a meal without simultaneously sucking on a cigarette. You’d think you’d be safe from smoke in a doctor’s office or hospital, right? Nope! Smoking is allowed there too. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to the BBC, three quarters of all Chinese men are smokers. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a huge understatement. I’ve asked the Chinese girls at my school about this statistic. They agree with me that ALL men in China are smokers. In fact, they were beyond shocked when Brandon and Josh told them that they never smoke.
China is the world's largest tobacco producer and consumer. And why not? Did you know that cigarettes aren’t bad for you?!?! Surveys show that 2/3 of Chinese people think smoking does little or no harm, 60% think it does not cause lung cancer and 96% do not know that it causes heart disease. Sounds good, right? It gets better: Chinese cigarettes are cheap. The average pack costs 30-50 cents (usd).
There is some good news: women don’t smoke! According to the BBC, only 4% of Chinese women are smokers. Apparently smoking is considered “slutty” and is “only something that bad girls do.” Sweet! I like this double standard!
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06123/686910-294.stm#ixzz0QfaRY1Oh
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/216998.stm
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/159290.php
Sep 5, 2009
Our terrible, rotten, no-good FIRST DAY OF WORK
What a clusterfuck!
Our contract states that our first day of training will be Monday September 1st so we asked Ken (our living advisor) what time we would be picked up from school: “Don’t worry! Monday is your day off!” Cool. So on the 1st we slept in and were still laying around in our sweats when we got a call from Allen (our trainer) telling us that we need to be at the Foshan Campus (which is a half hour away by car) by 2:30 which happens to be in two hours. To make it even worse, he said that the driver (who is supposed to drive us everywhere according to our contracts) is not available to pick us up and we need to take not one, but TWO buses. Alen speaks AWFUL english so OF COURSE we barely understood the directions that he gave us. We don’t know where the bus stop is, we don’t know where “the bridge” is that we need to get off at and we don’t know where the Walmart is that we need to transfer buses at. PANIC!!! We run downstairs and order food from the muslim restaurant, shove it down our throats and run back upstairs. Josh turns the key of our front door and POP – the entire lock comes out of the piece of shit door. We’re completely locked out. Can we call the school to tell them that we’re going to be late? Of course not because the phone that the school gave us has no minutes on it and is thus, completely useless. Long story short, Brandon picked the lock but it took a half hour. When we got into our apartment we only had twenty minutes to get ready (to allow for one hour of transit time) and we only have one bathroom.
SOMEHOW, we made it out of the house at 1:30, caught our first bus, found the transfer spot and even caught the second bus. On the second bus, we apparently missed the bridge that we were supposed to get off at because we wound up at the bus garage and were stuck walking a mile back to the main road. It took about twenty minutes but we finally caught a taxi. We’re f’ing LATE on our very first day so you can imagine how stressed out we are as we run up the stairs of our school. “We’re here for the training meeting! We’re so, sooo, sooo sorry we’re late!!!” Dave: “What meeting?”
OF COURSE, Alen told us to go to the wrong campus. The campus that we were supposed to meet at is the one that’s super close to our apartment in Nanhai. FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
When we finally arrived at the Nanhai campus, Allen just said, “sorry for that.”
Ohhhh, and it was soooooooo important that we showed up for training which just ended up consisting of Allen handing us the employee guide (which we already had) and asking if we had questions. Did they reimburse us the 35 rmb for the busses and taxies? Nope!!
Our contract states that our first day of training will be Monday September 1st so we asked Ken (our living advisor) what time we would be picked up from school: “Don’t worry! Monday is your day off!” Cool. So on the 1st we slept in and were still laying around in our sweats when we got a call from Allen (our trainer) telling us that we need to be at the Foshan Campus (which is a half hour away by car) by 2:30 which happens to be in two hours. To make it even worse, he said that the driver (who is supposed to drive us everywhere according to our contracts) is not available to pick us up and we need to take not one, but TWO buses. Alen speaks AWFUL english so OF COURSE we barely understood the directions that he gave us. We don’t know where the bus stop is, we don’t know where “the bridge” is that we need to get off at and we don’t know where the Walmart is that we need to transfer buses at. PANIC!!! We run downstairs and order food from the muslim restaurant, shove it down our throats and run back upstairs. Josh turns the key of our front door and POP – the entire lock comes out of the piece of shit door. We’re completely locked out. Can we call the school to tell them that we’re going to be late? Of course not because the phone that the school gave us has no minutes on it and is thus, completely useless. Long story short, Brandon picked the lock but it took a half hour. When we got into our apartment we only had twenty minutes to get ready (to allow for one hour of transit time) and we only have one bathroom.
SOMEHOW, we made it out of the house at 1:30, caught our first bus, found the transfer spot and even caught the second bus. On the second bus, we apparently missed the bridge that we were supposed to get off at because we wound up at the bus garage and were stuck walking a mile back to the main road. It took about twenty minutes but we finally caught a taxi. We’re f’ing LATE on our very first day so you can imagine how stressed out we are as we run up the stairs of our school. “We’re here for the training meeting! We’re so, sooo, sooo sorry we’re late!!!” Dave: “What meeting?”
OF COURSE, Alen told us to go to the wrong campus. The campus that we were supposed to meet at is the one that’s super close to our apartment in Nanhai. FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
When we finally arrived at the Nanhai campus, Allen just said, “sorry for that.”
Ohhhh, and it was soooooooo important that we showed up for training which just ended up consisting of Allen handing us the employee guide (which we already had) and asking if we had questions. Did they reimburse us the 35 rmb for the busses and taxies? Nope!!
“Medical Testing”
Our school (along with all Chinese schools that hire western expats) requires a medical test to make sure that we won’t die before our contracts end. Here’s some of the highlights:
1) Our pee cups were dirty and looked like they were only rinsed out after the last people used them. Mine still had someone else’s name partially written on it.
2) One of the doctors asked Nelly if she was married and gave her his number. Awesome!!!!!
3) The nurses were wearing the same thin plastic gloves that fast food employees wear and they don’t change them in between patients. The girl that drew my blood had a red splatter across one of her gloves. Lovely. I probably have hepatitis now.
4) Doctors smoke cigarettes in the office. I’m not kidding.
5) For our chest x-rays, I was the only one given a lead apron to go around my waste. It’s funny because I’m the only one in the group that doesn’t care about protecting my repro-parts!
6) We were told that we needed to wear formal business wear for the day of our test. We showed up in suites and everyone else from our school (including the guy that told us to dress up) wore shorts, tee shirts and flip flops. Sweet.
1) Our pee cups were dirty and looked like they were only rinsed out after the last people used them. Mine still had someone else’s name partially written on it.
2) One of the doctors asked Nelly if she was married and gave her his number. Awesome!!!!!
3) The nurses were wearing the same thin plastic gloves that fast food employees wear and they don’t change them in between patients. The girl that drew my blood had a red splatter across one of her gloves. Lovely. I probably have hepatitis now.
4) Doctors smoke cigarettes in the office. I’m not kidding.
5) For our chest x-rays, I was the only one given a lead apron to go around my waste. It’s funny because I’m the only one in the group that doesn’t care about protecting my repro-parts!
6) We were told that we needed to wear formal business wear for the day of our test. We showed up in suites and everyone else from our school (including the guy that told us to dress up) wore shorts, tee shirts and flip flops. Sweet.
Nee-how China!!
August 26th, 2009
We're here!!!! Foshan, China. I'm not sure where to start.... I think we're really lucky that we showed up a few days before school starts because we're getting to meet all the teachers that taught last year before they leave in a few days. Everyone's telling us ALL the gossip about the school and about all the bullshit that they had to deal with everyday. We know that all Chinese schools dick teachers around so nothing has been toooooo surprising yet.
Day 1: We took a 2-hour ferry from Hong Kong to Shunde. My favorite part was when we were about to dock and about 20 people got up and stood by the door. The staff must have asked them to sit down 100 times and they flat out refused. The staff asked over and over and over again and the people just turned their backs on them and looked out the window!! Crazy Chinese people!!
My first impression of mainland China involved shoving. Lots of shoving. As we got off the ferry and entered the immigration building, we were being shoved into walls, stepped on and elbowed in the ribs over and over again. It was ruthless! I laughed so hard! Picture a billion year old, 4’ 8” tall Chinese grandma shoving Brandon into a wall - hilarious!!!!!
After we got through immigration we met our school's "living advisor," Ken, who is SO WEIRD!!!!! He keeps blatantly lying to us about stuff in our contracts and he's so weird about never looking us in the eye. He stairs over our shoulder - it reminds me of someone with a lazy eye but he doesn't have one. The weirdest thing that he did was when we unloaded all of our bags he said "is anyone missing something?" We said "ummmmmmm.... what did you find?" -- he wouldn't tell us - he said that he wouldn't give us the "item" unless we knew what it was. WHAT?!? We obviously hadn't unpacked so we didn't know if we dropped anything!!! We got lucky because brandon caught a look at what he was hiding and it was Nelly's MP3 player!! Then, he didn't believe us that it was Nelly’s. Long story short, we got it back but it was still SO WEIRD!!!!!!! Who does that? We told all the other teachers about what Ken did and they thought it was totally typical and they all had their own stories about him.
We're here!!!! Foshan, China. I'm not sure where to start.... I think we're really lucky that we showed up a few days before school starts because we're getting to meet all the teachers that taught last year before they leave in a few days. Everyone's telling us ALL the gossip about the school and about all the bullshit that they had to deal with everyday. We know that all Chinese schools dick teachers around so nothing has been toooooo surprising yet.
Day 1: We took a 2-hour ferry from Hong Kong to Shunde. My favorite part was when we were about to dock and about 20 people got up and stood by the door. The staff must have asked them to sit down 100 times and they flat out refused. The staff asked over and over and over again and the people just turned their backs on them and looked out the window!! Crazy Chinese people!!
My first impression of mainland China involved shoving. Lots of shoving. As we got off the ferry and entered the immigration building, we were being shoved into walls, stepped on and elbowed in the ribs over and over again. It was ruthless! I laughed so hard! Picture a billion year old, 4’ 8” tall Chinese grandma shoving Brandon into a wall - hilarious!!!!!
After we got through immigration we met our school's "living advisor," Ken, who is SO WEIRD!!!!! He keeps blatantly lying to us about stuff in our contracts and he's so weird about never looking us in the eye. He stairs over our shoulder - it reminds me of someone with a lazy eye but he doesn't have one. The weirdest thing that he did was when we unloaded all of our bags he said "is anyone missing something?" We said "ummmmmmm.... what did you find?" -- he wouldn't tell us - he said that he wouldn't give us the "item" unless we knew what it was. WHAT?!? We obviously hadn't unpacked so we didn't know if we dropped anything!!! We got lucky because brandon caught a look at what he was hiding and it was Nelly's MP3 player!! Then, he didn't believe us that it was Nelly’s. Long story short, we got it back but it was still SO WEIRD!!!!!!! Who does that? We told all the other teachers about what Ken did and they thought it was totally typical and they all had their own stories about him.
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